Charming Party - Southern Charm 3, Episode 2 Recap

Welcome back! It’s already time for another episode recap of the one show that can eclipse Downton Abbey in prestige: Southern Charm!

In last week’s episode the junkyard gang was catching up on life and each other; Cameran was peeing, Shep was dissing, we think Landon and Thomas were fornicating, and of course Craig’s redemption and entrance into adult became official courtesy of a Bravo-induced rave only his mother could love. Speaking of, Whitney still loves his fabulous Mother Dearest, perhaps a bit too much.

Now that we've caught up with the crew, this week sees many misadventures begin to unfold with everyone’s morning routines. My favorites were Craig and Naomie’s regrets on the house’s condition post-rave, and Shep’s waking up—which is immediately followed by a beauty routine and then back into bed. Shep must be a panda who sleeps 18 hours a day. You go on with your bad self Shep!

Cameran is back to being a “I am woman, hear me roar!” working woman, but I guess mom got tired of her daughter’s WiFi frustrations from last year because now she’s working from home again. I thought nothing could happen work-wise from home? Whatever.

I feel as though Cameran is conflicted. She proudly says oh hey I’m a modern Southern woman, then calls her hubby for ink. She reminds us that women are expected in the South to be wives and mothers. So which one is it Cameran? The whole point of feminism is women achieving choice in their bodies and actions, right?

You can choose to work, or stay at home, or sunbathe nude. No one will judge you except Patricia. And apparently she has chosen to have it all, damnit!! She will be a proper woman finally, not by being the Belle-of-the-ball b*tch, but by hosting the friggin‘ ball. That’s right, Cam the party hostess has entered the building yall!!

Kathy is now BFFs with Jennifer. I knew that would happen! Kathryn stays at Jen’s house and they talk about how people at Craig’s rave were rude to Kathryn. Jen is wise, we can tell; she deduces it’s likely because people don’t know what to say to Kathryn. I mean what the hell is going on? Jen is incredulous because Kathryn states that Thomas just had to tell her that his new love mansion’s renovations are going badly, and she’s like but woah wait Thomas what about me and your freaking kids!! 

What’s really going on is: it’s over for our modern-day Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton folks; a real Greek tragedy. Of course Kathryn doesn’t see it that way. Everyone doesn’t talk to her, she thinks, because they are playa' haters. She’s not a gold-digger, she lives a single room inside an 800-acre plantation!!!!

We then see T-Rav and the gorgeous Kensington at home. We hear through T-Rav’s abhorrent French that Kensie is his world, his reason to not be a bad boy and go out. Except when he’s required to club it up. He and the nanny talk about Kathryn. In SC, when your kid is born out of wedlock the mom rules the roost but the daddy doesn’t have to pay up. T-Rav gives Kathryn $2500 a month but only gets 6 days with Kensie. Which seems good to me that gives him opportunity to seek a Kathryn 2.0 and go bar hopping. But, we need to be fair here and give credit to the sanest person on this freakin’ show: Kensie’s nanny! Now I know it’s cliche and caused many couples heartbreak, but seriously T-Rav you may want to consider the nanny as your Kathryn 2.0.

Kathryn and Jennifer talk more shit about T-Rav and the most obvious lie from last year is revealed: T-Rav and Jenny hooked up. What does hook up even mean? For all the sex going on people sure are ashamed to say the magic word. So, as common sense explains, T-Rav’s $2500 monthly provides for Kensie, but not for Kathryn to benefit as well. But I mean, there’s no marriage dissolution here so I feel bad that she expected more. Newsflash, it’s about the kid’s welfare! T-Rav should just give Kathryn something. She has provided him an heir and spare. Also, I am so pumped Jennifer is getting more air time! She seems like a damn smart woman.

Shep goes to Landon’s house to chill. Landon has moved on up to the East Side, gotten a piece of the pie. She’s settled and happier and yet suffers from lack of funding. Life lesson here: if ya poor, ya get a studio in the ghetto; you don’t rent luxurious accommodation on the peninsula. She's lucky Bravo can pull a Jenna King if need be. I am definitely no stranger to hurt and heartbreak, but there’s something about her divorce situation that doesn’t garner sympathy for me. Maybe it’s just her intonation as I listen at 1 a.m. It just seems so unreal to me.

Landon and Shep make some happy hippie art together, and we learn that like us all, Landon has dreams—yet according to Shep no direction and follow through. I LOLed at him saying this, because THE irony.

Landon kind of confirms this: she wants to paint, have an all-inclusive magazine, be a doctor, nurse and teacher while having 20 babies and curing cancer!! Girl is a modern Barbie. Turns out they’re both allergic to work. Why aren’t these two married again? I smell a spin-off here, Keeping up with the Roses! I love how Shep offers to buy a painting to give Landon an ego boost, then has a look of terror when she accepts. Dude’s not putting out more than five bucks for your squiggly lines! We don’t see Shep’s art. I wanted to see his sexy macaroni picture lol.

Was he genuinely upset that Landon didn’t want to Netflix and Chill but Netflix and Pass Out? Dude’s gulping down that wine pretty nervous-like. Breathe, man, namaste.

And now the one answer fans have been dying to know: Craig did NOT take the Bar Exam. He didn’t finish his requirements, because they probably conflicted with his last job of Wannabe Teen Idol, but now he’s all serious yo. Apparently he is getting a job from restaurateur extraordinaire JD. He needs money and has to wait for test results. Hey, #newCraig wants to make money, not burn it. You go! I hope JD gives him a waiter job so I can give him high tips for “special side orders”

Cameran goes to Patricia’s house, and is amazed that Patricia has adopted a little dinky-possessing hedgehog. So amazing! Cameran still can’t believe her luck that Patricia speaks to her, and has even graciously allowed her into the creme de la creme of high society in Charleston. She came to invite Patricia to her inaugural dinner party, and Patricia graciously bitch slaps down Cameran’s crock pot idea. Patricia offers the help of a professional party planner and her butler Michael. They discuss the guest list; all the gang minus T-Rav and Kathryn. Patricia thinks it’s great because she learned from last year that T-Rav and Kathryn bring nothing but heartache and disaster when they go out in public.

Shep and Craig meet at the Royal American, and Shep reveals he invited a few women because you know he ain’t sittin at the bar without them. What if Robyn had said no? He needs backup to the backup to the backup. Shep is a self-proclaimed social animal who won’t judge you for the beer you drink, because he likes you, and wants to Netflix and Chill I guess.

I am enjoying the awkwardness Landon displays at this event. She says it’s because she always introduces her friends to Sheppy and then they Netflix and Chill. But doesn’t their friendship go back 13 years?! She should know this happens. Maybe the show is aiming for a “I love you and want you Shep,” moment between Landon and Sheppy. Robyn and Bailey come in, then the quote of the night: “I’m just a guy being funny. I’m not mean aren’t I?”

Cameran shops for her dinner with the planner recommended to her by Patricia. We learn that good ole country girl Cameran is just like us and ate happy meals for subsistence.  The lady wants to kill her. Girl's gotta learn somehow woman!!

Patricia and her child Whitney meet T-Rav for lunch at a French restaurant. Whitney is still sore that T-Rav didn’t want to raise the roof with him but is OK with getting headbutted at Republic, so they’re no longer BFFs. Shame, they take cute selfies. Patricia explains that her divorce was nothing pernicious (today’s vocab word!) and that they did well raising Whitney. He’s perfection says Mommy, clearly not knowing his band’s name celebrates reversed boners.

Kathryn and Jenny go house hunting together. Another great show idea: The Odd Couple starring Jenny and Kathryn! Interestingly now Kathryn has money to take of herself and will for the love of God! Jenny’s a secret revealer isn’t she, golly!! She reveals a party hosted by Patricia that Kathryn can’t come to. Kathryn doesn’t get why no one likes her, and honestly I feel bad. This is the Charleston way folks.

Cameran’s party planner comes by and we learn that Cam really doesn’t cook. Like, orders Dominos every night can’t cook. I thought that was bullsh*t but her pans are in the boxes still. Thank God store associates know what a good marriage needs because they picked her pans. Ok, Cameran, Anderson, SC, is disowning you—how do you NOT wash pans before using? Ew, dust. Does not this planner know Cameran can’t cook? Doesn’t she do like a wedding planner and take inventory of the situation. Jesus, I hope she was purchased with a Groupon because she’s not worth full price.

Kathy, the red-headed stepchild, wants to come chill with Craig and Naomie, clearly not being told by anyone but BravoTV that there’s a party at Camerans. Naomie’s like oh sh*t but Craig wants to be nice to Kathryn because Bravo told him to.

When Cam almost falls on her ass I died, because I do the same thing every damn day. Heels suck ass! Michael explains that carving means cutting, and again I feel for Anderson.

Kathryn comes to Craig's, and Craig and Naomie “let it slip” that they're going to a party at Cameran’s that she wasn’t invited to. Kathryn vents that she hates that the door is shutting on her. Clearly this wasn’t what she expected three years ago. I do agree with Craig that it’s ridiculous to love on T-Rav but ostracise Kathryn. But you know what Craig and Kathryn, this is Charleston. 

Patricia wisely brings cards to accommodate the seating plan while Craig comes in looking all fly. Not a fan of Naomie's Big-Bird inspired dress though, and Landon is predictable with Boho. What’s left of Danni finally makes her entrance this season followed by Shep. Oh Shep with his “no woman cooks for me." I volunteer as tribute Shep; my Chef Boyardee will make you never look at another woman again. Of course Shep knows Cameran’s friend Chelsea; as Landon explains all the pretty women in Charleston under 35 have Netflixed and Chilled with Shepard Rose. 

Craig finds a lovely way to bring up Kathryn. Cameran is ready to shoot that sh*t down: she doesn’t know what’s going on, doesn’t care, and isn’t having trash in her house. Craig extends on Kathryn’s behalf that she wants to make amends, and everyone groans like hell. Too late, they feel. Yet, how can she make amends when you won’t talk to her?  Kathryn, I’ve been down this road with friends, sweetie. They’re now ex-friends. I think that’s where it’s heading. Clearly the cameras are positioned for breakdown royale. And don’t even get me started on how Kathryn’s out but Craig’s still on the island.

Let’s see what happens next week!!