To quote Will Smith, "This is the story all about how my life got twisted upside-down..." Here's the story of how I was involved in two very different robberies, all in a weekend's time.
It all began one Saturday night. I was feeling like cuttin' a rug so I called up a friend. She popped over to my place, exchanged her rainbow sandals for a pair of my platform pumps, and we were off. Now, she and I are both #singleswag ladies and were in the mood for a great dancing night. Naturally, we went to O-Ku, where the DJ had the sushi bar rockin'.
So there we are, shakin' what our mamas gave us, when I realize that my purse is missing. Thirty minutes later, after fruitless searching, I update my purses’ status to stolen. Yes. My brand-new purse. Stolen. The contents of my purse were thus:
1 set of car keys (my only set)
1 drivers license
1 Harris Teeter card
2 $20 bills
2 $10 bills
6 $1 bills
2 pieces of bubble gum
1 adhesive bra (chicken cutlets, if you will)
Thankfully, my cell was not among its contents. This night ended with a few distressed phone calls to friends and family informing them of the night's events. My friend and I eventually made it back to my house safely, thanks to the generosity of some other dear friends. I don’t believe I actually slept at all between my nightmares and fantasies about what I would do to the thief.
This is the [sort of] happy part to my story. I woke the next morning (Sunday) and informed my crisis-savvy boss, Ayoka, of my dilemma. She gives me some great advice that I decide to heed....on Monday. After all, the locksmiths were closed and, hell, I needed a drink.
I made one call to my BFF and decided to go someplace quiet where we could hide our messy faces and enjoy some brunch. We pull up at our fave, unknown dining spot. I have just managed to sit down and hide my face behind my menu when none other than my ex-boyfriend walks up. Lovely. Now I really deserve a drink. BFF and I take one look at each other, head home and spruce ourselves up before heading out to Sullivan's Island.
After meeting up with some other USC alumni and a few new acquaintances, we head over to Home Team BBQ where Acquaintance A is meeting up with this dude she met at O-Ku the night before. Now, for all I know, this dude could be the dude who swiped my purse.... But he wasn’t the thief, guys. Nope. He was just one tall glass of handsome man, and I could not keep my big brown eyes off of his big smile (or his hot bod). However, I conceded that lucky Acquaintance A had set her claim and I focused my attention back on my drinks.
Somewhere along the line of shots and Bloody Marys, things got twisted up. It happened. One minute I’m sippin on my vodka-tomato cocktail and the next I’ve got Acquaintance A's sexy sex god of a man ordering me another drink. I cannot say that I was proud of the situation, but I was definitely happy.
Now, for those of you who are familiar with America’s favorite reality TV show, Jersey Shore, this situation is called a “robbery.” In Shore speak, this is defined as: the act of diverting the interests of a female companion away from a competing guido. Committing a robbery is considered a skill and can even be done to close friends. Obviously, it holds true for both sexes, so in this case, the girl who was just robbed actually committed a robbery.
Now today, five dates, seven happy hours, countless smiles and innumerous laughs later, my #singlegirlswag has officially been stolen from me (blushes).
Lessons Learned: Don’t ever carry more than the necessary items into a dance party. Keep your social security card at home...in a safe. Always have a spare copy of your car keys in a strategic place. And while I don’t advocate swindling another girl's date, if you absolutely must, at least have the decency to send her an apology text the next day.
Sidebar: Let the record show that the aforementioned sexy man asked permission from my friends before approaching me to be sure that hysteria did not ensue from the robbery. Also, Acquaintance A has since moved forward in the dating scene and is rumored to be conversing with another fine gentleman.