Konnichiwa Minasan! Welcome to this week’s recap of the one show Edgar Allan Poe would have immortalized if he could: Southern Charm! As promised the cast leaves Charleston, so let’s see how batshit crazy things get. Best part: what happens in Linville can’t stay in Linville!
Just when I feel that the Charmers’ morning routines are getting old, we get sexy T-Rav bending over in club glasses making coffee. You go T-Rav, all the way back to the club!
Craig and Shep meet at Fuel during what I assume is the afternoon, since Shep doesn’t rise before noon on a non-hunting or woman-banging day. I like how #NewCraig is being all healthy and stuff, but like Shep says, be a man. If Shep can order a painkiller drink and peanuts without dying you can too Craig. Craig admits to Shep that he was in over his head and that he is NOT going to be running the bourbon company for JD anytime soon. I gotta admit, I like #NewShep, who reminds #NewCraig to stop worrying about drinking and pass the freakin’ bar already! I believe Craig is scared of the bar. Has he even tried it? Face your fears man, embrace your destiny.
Then the amazing #NewShep makes my heart melt into a puddle by giving Craig the news of my dreams: Shep is taking the crew to Linville to his family home!!
You gotta hear me out before you think I am a Shep lover who just wants to see his house. My family went to Linville for years. Tweetsie. Grandfather Mountain. Ghost Town. Linville Falls. It’s my favorites memories in one place. Seriously Shep, screw these player-haters and take me!!! That place is my happy place. Let’s go and forget the world!
I love how Craig tells Shep he lies to people to make them happy. Oh Craig, just go back into #OldCraig mode like you want. Shep says he can’t invite Kathryn, because if he does the group won’t go to the mountains. He feels bad, but majority rules. Man, this group has turned cut throat! Where’s that good ole Southern hospitality? Gotta fake it 'til you fake it some more.
For a man who hates the bar like I hate exercise, Craig sure loves putting those Charleston Law School tactics to work in dissecting his friends. Whitney hates Kathryn, but why does Cameran now? Did she sleep with Kathryn too? I won’t judge, just curious.
Shep calls Kathryn during lunch to see what happens. Kathryn is waiting for T-Rav to come fix the $4,000 new crib, because it’s about damn time he did something off his back. As they hold breath in anticipation, Kathryn informs Shep she can’t come to Linville because she’s on bedrest. I think Shep best explains the relief the universe has when he says, "thank you bedrest." Indeed Shep, indeed.
T-Rav goes to Kathryn’s house to fix the crib, and I gotta admit he’s so cute with their daughter. T-Rav fixing the crib is sexy AF. Kathryn tells T-Rav she’s been invited to Linville and I love how these two act like they’re responsible to each other. Like, I don’t know, they’re in a relationship?! It’s funny how Kathryn’s magnetic hold remains tight as she informs TRav he can go, and he’s like hell no I don’t wanna start sh*t. He doesn’t wanna deal with the T-Rex that is Kathryn.
Finally we get to a much-anticipated plot that has now lost its luster: Cameran goes to therapy to see why she won’t have kids. She doesn’t feel maternal; she thinks kids are assholes. Girl. I feel you there, they are nasty motherf*ckers. I feel for her husband because he clearly wants one, and while I don’t like divorce, this issue is a dealbreaker folks. I give props to Cameran though because she realizes she may want kids but is scared. Why is it every time she speaks we have to hear about modern vs. old-school Southern women? Talk about beating a dead horse. You’re a trailblazer, we get it, now get over it! Now the obvious: Cameran doesn’t want to give up control, a fact that began when her parents divorced. She thinks she’s over it, but like the therapy lady says—feelings last past childhood and something is still there.
And now ladies and gentleman, the reason I still watch this show: Shep’s mom!!!!! If there’s a person from this show I am starting a fan club for it’s Shep’s mom. Please adopt me Mrs. Rose, I’m even house-trained! Here’s the low-down: the Linville house was owned by his grandparents, but Shep’s mom was like honey build me a proper one or we’re done. Please Shep’s mom, teach classes on successful marriages. Did I say Shep’s mom rules? Yep, because she’s stocked the fridge for the junkyard gang's misadventures. She’s even ordered a maid to cover shenanigans. God bless her.
Landon meets her sister Bam, and explains her magazine idea. Her sister is like your idea is the best you’ve had in two years. Even better than national exposure via TV, which likely got her access to pitch her idea. Landon feels terrible because she’s the oldest but not with the mostest at the moment.
Aaand we delve into Kathryn; apparently Naomie is the same age as Kathryn but has her life so much more together, which amazes Landon and her sister. Landon admits she doesn’t want to look down on anyone, but gleefully mentions that Kathryn’s best skills are done while on her back. Dayum. I felt that burn here in my PJs.
Craig goes to Kathryn’s house and remains amazed that this year she’s the least interesting, er, dramatic cast member. Craig admits to her he’s been playing Matlock to see why the hell Whitney abhors Kathryn.
And now the freakin, most amazing truth: T-Rav and Kathryn hooked up, and then nothing. THEN, she and Whitney started a RELATIONSHIP a week later. A real relationship where Patricia saw her clothes on the floor, and she stayed in Whitney’s room. Oh ma lawd y'all let me go get some smelling salts!! Whitney gushed over her connections and was excited and Matlock Craig deduces that he wanted to be her boyfriend. THEN, three weeks later, Kathryn used Whitney to get back to T-Rav, who she really wanted, and she left with T-Rav, making Whitney pissed. So basically, she used Whitney to get T-Rav and a TV Deal.
The crowd goes to Linville and I love how Cameran worries there’s going to be mayhem on the party bus then wants to get her crunk on inside. Shep is actually a good trip planner. THAT should be his career. He mentions his quasi-girlfriend Bailey and her lack of movie knowledge. Landon gets all pissy she’s mentioned. Again, Landon you introduced them. He admits that he doesn’t know what his lover is doing, and will expect independence with no changing allowed.
I am convinced that Whitney stole Shep’s awesome view room, like a true only child does. Thomas comes and I admit the quasi-strip show was funny. He’s excited to be T-Rav, as any middle-aged father of two wants to be. And who didn’t love the irony of T-Rav telling Craig to wait a year to propose, or hell stay in a relationship with someone before commitment and kids? You win some, you lose some Thomas.
The crowd goes to a bar, and the cool kids play Jenga!, and T-Rav fantasises about going to a gay bar to find women. Then the pull-out innuendos arise from Jenga!. Ah, maturity. Shep’s like screw this and tips over the Jenga. That’s damn straight. Shep meets up with his buddy who gave him his first fake I.D., a plan that was great until he got arrested. Looks like we have a heartbreaker and a bad boy ladies. Please make T-Rav stop speaking French!!
Men know best, and Shep’s friend admits that he won’t settle down. Landon,hearing marriage, perks up and Cameran notices it too. Matlock Craig is back on retainer and gets T-Rav to admit he won’t stay because Landon is there, and T-Rav doesn’t want Kathryn to get upset and hurt their child. Whitney’s pissed that T-Rav is being responsible. Dude, Whitney, fire her if you’re tired of her.
The gang goes to an awesome club and T-Rav puts his creepiness to full effect. He tries to play a woman by loving her cheekbones but she's unimpressed. She then moves on to the wiser alternative, Shep, and T-Rav is like whatever.
T-Rav goes to Shep’s hotel room but it’s not what you want: Landon admitted to T-Rav that she didn’t invite Kathryn and T-Rav tells Shep. Shep feels bad but he didn’t do it; he knows Landon can be an overgrown 12-year-old. What you gonna do?
OMG Linville!! It's true—you will drive by if you blink. Ah, happy Shep memories. I wish I had grandfather ones myself. I will just remain content with Nana pushing me onto Mile-High Bridge for the “experience”. And by the way, the Rose House is gorgeous!! I love how Craig is excited Shep’s not poor. I wish I had rich friends too. I doubt she does in real life but Cameran on camera sounds like someone who pines for Shep’s life of rich homes and an intact family life. I don’t think she’s done bad herself.
While the gang sleeps, JD and Craig have a talk. JD knows Naomie was upset, but he needs Dani’s support and knowledge to make the bourbon venture work. Craig needs to namaste and wait, nothing personal.
Kathryn and Jennifer talk at her home; Kathryn is bored because her pregnancy keeps her confined. Remember when Kathryn gave Thomas permission to go to the country? Haha girl was kidding because she’s upset that Landon is there. But Kathryn is trying because Thomas is trying; he got Landon to admit her sins, he’s giving and moving furniture so there you go.
Cameran is jealous that Craig can cook, and Naomie is like hell yeah, that’s my man. Landon meets Shep outside and he reveals he’s pissed over the birthday lack of invite. After a final lie, Shep tells Landon he knows Kathryn wasn’t invited. I don’t think Shep knows how to be angry, or else the scene was taken out. After this week I no longer trust editing. He just tells Landon to be honest next time. How about just don’t do it Landon?
Craig cooks damn good steak. Clearly Whitney’s salmonella comment is whack because he’s still alive. JD is upset T-Rav left. Is this all these people talk about?! Come on editors! Craig applauds T-Rav for going home, and Whitney thinks Kathryn is psychotic. Then, finally after three years, Craig drops the bombshell he’s been holding back as good as a little kid can: Whitney is upset Kathryn used him to get back to T-Rav! The mouth drop is amazing. The cat is out of the flippin bag y'all!! I am so excited.
Come back next week, because like all good capitalist ventures this is being played out as long as possible.