Buck-a-Gallon Gas?

Image courtesy http://www.snopes.com/politics/gasoline/anwr.asp

As the Middle East continues to slouch towards Muslim anarchy, and the American economy remains at Depression Era levels, one must consider the role of petroleum in all this. After all, the cost of petroleum affects the cost of everything we consume. Why? Not only because it’s used in the production of everything but Cap’n Crunch, but because a diesel-burning ship/train/truck delivered everything you own. And last time I checked, 18-wheelers don’t run on windmills and hope.

We have (many times over) the ability to free ourselves of foreign oil, simply by drilling in Alaska. Throw in the Gulf of Mexico and the California coast and we could all be wearing turbans, driving Rolls Royces, and hankering for a reason to blow ourselves up.

There is, however, a problem. Drilling in Alaska could possibly, maybe, might have a negative impact on the caribou habitat, and there’s teensy, tiny, kind of a chance it could negatively impact polar bears.

By my estimation, caribou have a cuddly and cool rating of 9.5, and polar bears have a totally awesome badass rating of 10. An 11, if that was possible. So I’m forced to ask myself an important question: Am I willing to negatively impact these wild and wonderful creatures for one-dollar-a-gallon gas?

Buck a gallon? Or possible negative impact? Buck a gallon? Or possible negative impact?

Since “possible negative impact” doesn’t translate to “assured extinction,” I decided to better define the concept. Let’s see… driving could have a possible negative impact on me as any given day could result in my being T-boned by a semi—which would ensure my extinction. Eating could have a negative impact on me, because I could be wolfing down a big steak and get a chunk caught in my throat—next stop, extinction. Petting my dog could have a possible negative impact on me, because she could revert to wolfhood and rip my lungs out. Man, this negative impact thing is a slippery slope. But since I deal with so many possible negative impacts in a day, I guess the caribou and the polar bears could as well.

These are sensitive days, however, and I can’t just push possible negative impacts onto these animals willy-nilly; they both have fur, and I could be accused of furism. One’s white and one’s brown, so I could be accused of colorism. Antlerism. Tooth-and-claw-ism. Adapted-to-cold-weather-ism. The list is long, and a little scary. Thus, I felt it was important to prove I’m not prejudiced towards them, so I’m providing a partial list of animals I’d saddle with possible negative impact for dollar-a-gallon gas. You can find them below:

Aardvark
Albatross
Alligator
Alpaca
Anaconda
Ant
Anteater
Antelope
Armadillo 
Atlantic Puffin
Badger
Bat
Beaver
Big-horned sheep
Bison
Billy goat
Black Widow Spider
Blackbird
Blowfish
Bob-Cat
Caribou
Camel
Cattle
Chipmunk
Corn Snake
Diamond back rattler
Dodo bird
Dolphin
Dolly Varden
Donkey
Door mouse
Dormouse
Dove
Dragonfly
Dung beetle
Eel
Egret 
Elephant Seal
Elk
Finch
Fish
Firefly
Flamingo
Ferret
Frog
Galapagos Land Iguana
Galapagos Tortoise
Gazelle
Grey Whale
Great White Shark
Green poison dart frog
Green Sea Turtle
Groundhog
Hammerhead shark
Hare
Hawk
Iguana
Iguanodon
Impala
Inchworm
Jellyfish
Jackal
Jackrabbit
Kangaroo
King Cobra
Kingfisher
Koala
Kookaburra
Lama
Lamb
Lancelet
Leatherback sea turtle
Lice
Lionfish
Llama
Lobster
Mantis
Marmot
Meerkat
Mink
Mole
Mongoose
Monkey
Moose
Mouse
Narwhal
Nautilus
Nene
Newt
Ocelot
Octopus
Opossum
Orangutan
Osprey
Ostrich
Otter
Owl
Ox
Peacock
Pelican
Penguin
Pig
Pigeon
Platypus
Polar Bear
Quail
Quetzal
Rat
Ray
Reindeer
Rhino
Robin
Rooster
Sloth
Sloth bear
Slugs
Snails
Snake
Snow Hare
Snow Fox
Squirrel
Starfish
Stork
Swan
Swordfish
Tapir
Tasmanian Devil
Tadpole
Tamarin
Tapeworm
Tarantula
Tarpan
Tazmanian devil
Tiger shark
Umbrella bird
Urchin
Viper
Vulture
Vampire bat
Vole
Viper Fish
Water Buffalo
Water Dragons
Wallaby
Whale
Whale Shark
White tailed dear
Whooper
Whooping Crane
Weasel
Weevil
Wildebeest
X-ray fish
Yak
Yellow Bellied Marmot
Yellow belly sapsucker
Yellow finned tuna
Zebra
Zebra Finch
Zebra Dove