A Superficial & Vapid Thanksgiving List (You're Welcome)

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Four Hens & Rooster

 

Last year, I sort of wrote a Thanksgiving post on my personal blog about gratitude. More specifically, it was about the things I am NOT thankful for, some of which include psoriasis, stretch marks, and fennel, just to name a few. This year, I find myself once again having snarky thoughts in my head regarding everyone’s “thankful” posts and laughing at the e-card talking about November being the month where we are all soooo thankful for everything we have... and then go trample each other on Black Friday in order to buy more stuff. It really is bad, y’all—I feel like such a jackass hating on the thankful stuff, but still, I kind of do hate it.

 

But, at least I still have guilt to keep me somewhat human.

 

So, this year, I have once again decided against talking about all the things I’m deep-down thankful for. Again, it is because every time I feel forced into an emotion or sentiment, I mentally rebel like a two-year-old against a nap (whywhywhyyy do they do that????). But I feel that this is okay because I at least own up to it.

 

Instead, I will talk about the extremely superficial things I am thankful for. Yes, the stuff that has no meaning to my life on a deep level, but that give me a sense of overwhelming satisfaction and pleasure.

 

Let’s begin, shall we?

 

Gamecocks Online

 

>> College football. You guys, I am the best armchair quarterback in the history of ever. Only I know what should have happened on the field, what play should have been called, and how that ding-dong that didn’t catch the ball should be reprimanded. (You touch it, you catch itamIright?!) Regardless of my mad TV coaching skills, I do love watching the sport and I am thankful for such an outstanding diversion. If I could have a fantasy job for a day, it would be to be a college football coach. So far, I’ve only gotten to coach sixth-grade volleyball but we had a one-loss season AND came in second place in our division. BOOM! And, just to mix it up some, I won’t let my son play tackle. How is THAT for hypocrisy?! Oh yes, I own that too, don’t you worry.

 

The Star

 

>> Pandora, Spotify, IHeartRadio, etc. E-music makes me insanely happy. I can rock out to hair bands, float along with piano concertos, and think about how brilliant Tupac really was, all without getting up off my ass. Click click click and there it is—any music to suit any mood. I get bratty about the limitations of how many I can fast forward through when I don’t like what ol’ Pandora is spinning, but still, it’s a good diversion. Even better is that I can plug into it in order to drown out the noise of my office-mates (WINNING), who I sincerely do like all the time, but don’t want to listen to some of the time. What’s cool is that I also use Pandora as a weapon against noise—if I really want you to tone it down, you will hear the most R-rated hip-hop ever written coming from my speakers.

 

 

Wikipedia

 

>> Condensed soups. You heard me. I use cream-of-basically-everything soup. Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom is the glue that holds so many delicious casseroles together and I will stand by that declaration all day long. I know I’m supposed to make this kind of thing from scratch, or come up with an acceptable substitute, but honestly, I just am not interested in adding 27 more steps to dinner. We eat lots of veggies, so I’m just going to keep on rolling with this, and hope that the antioxidants offset the God-Only-Knows-What. Do I know that it is loaded with sodium and preservatives? Yep. Am I going to stop using it because of knowing these things? Nope. If I want a fail-proof dinner that I won’t be swearing over, Campbell’s is my vehicle, baby. Hate on it all you want, but that grey glop is a lifesaver.

 

In closing, I would like to assure you that I am indeed in possession of a real soul, that I am genuinely aware of how good I have it (especially compared to some), and that I do know that I am blessed  beyond measure. All of this notwithstanding, I will keep obsessing about a game played on television by people I will never know, listen to my ridiculous combinations of digital music in order to drown out my colleagues, and continue to poison my family with cream-of-something soup. Underneath that ridiculous mindset dwells a person who mentally drops to their knees with thanks that her children and family are healthy, knows that she is not truly poor by any stretch of the imagination, and who cares intensely that others are suffering.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. Make it yours.