I'm a Big Kid Now!- Southern Charm 3, Episode 1 Recap

When it comes to Southern Charm. I believe life should imitate art, so I’m sit here writing this review and not taking this show seriously. BravoTV does not let me understand itself any other way.

Hip-hip hooray, Southern Charm’s back and here to stay!!

So celebrate Chucktown, our dreams have come true at last!! Our favorite celebrity socialites are back on the air, making natives cower in shame. 

I don’t know about y'all, but I love a show that instantly reminds me of the movie Lolita. Any show that begins itself in medias res, with men likely arguing over sexual relationships with younger women, is a keeper folks. Wrap that baby up and get it ready for Christmas.

We begin at Thomas’ new house, where for some reason (Bravo forcing them at gunpoint) the whole junkyard gang is assembled. Thomas Ravenel, never an unprofessional host, wants to provide wisdom that only his old and full-of-booze mind comprehends. Cameran is sanctimonious; Shep touches anyone with breasts, and so on. What gets me is how the cast genuinely are shocked by this behavior. Really, did Bravo promise you rainbows and some Grey Poupon this time round to get you in the mood for an insult-fest? Just as it gets to the juicy part, the show cuts to earlier and happier times.

We begin in a more comprehensible spot three months earlier. Cameran and Shep go fishing so she can thank him for likely making her first real estate commission, or something like that. It’s really an excuse for fishing, and Cameran getting a nice look at Shep’s ass while only teasing the mere mortals with this possible view. Damn you Cameran you can’t have Shep AND a husband; you gotta share or something! They get to talking about Craig. Y'all remember Craig, right? Their lil’ buddy from Delaware.

When the show last ended, Craig through a likely combination of family, friends, and legal intervention, decides he needs to stop being the King of the Jungle, or in this case King Street in Charleston because, quite honestly, his bank account doesn’t match up with his dreams or something like that. Is Craig ok? We don’t know yet, because surprisingly enough Shep and Cameran don’t know either. They sure live up to being like a family huh? I don’t talk to weird cousins I’m ashamed of either. Shep believes Craig still hasn’t got his life together, and as such he doesn’t want to put up with Craig’s nonsense until he’s proven wrong. I hope this bromance reunion is as appealing as Bravo is making it out to be.

Of course we can’t neglect the little exchange between Cameran and Shep on the boat, intertwined with scenes of Craig getting his Chariots of Fire meets Intervention on and then leaving to Chucktown for redemption. While Cameran pees, and Shep disses, Shep agrees he’s likely banged 100 women minimum and Cameran is like “well they’re faking” or something. They also discuss the only reason 99.99999% of the world cares about this show: Thomas Ravenel and Kathryn Dennis.

For those blessed ears not hearing of these two—Thomas who is 53 going on 3, and Kathryn, who is 4 but thinks she’s 40 but really is 1, have decided to get all natural and prove the miracle of life, not once, but twice now. Shep marvels at this achievement...

So, Craig gets into Charleston, and surprise! There’s this hot babe jumping on him. Why can’t I get that kind of welcome home sometime?! Craig and his dimples explains that his hot new girlfriend, who is of course French and loaded, is his first love, and like McDonald’s he’s lovin it. I hope Bravo doesn't make me hate Naomie. 

Craig and Naomie are living together in her parents’ home until it sells, which means until Bravo buys it like they did Jenna King’s home apparently. Craig, to prove he’s now a man the Orgazmo way, wants to invite the junkyard gang to his new pimped home not for a sit-down mature dinner. Oh no, it’s gotta be done with a party that makes 19-year-old frat boys jealous. The big question: is Shep invited? Girl, please, you know damn well he’s coming. The problem is to Craig that Shep was a "dick” because he tried to help Craig see the error of acting rich when you live in a cardboard box. He’s a big boy now Shep, look at the house he’s in now thanks to his loaded girl!! If you don’t take off the big brother gloves you’re done as bros.

Finally the Kathryn update!! Apparently the rich don’t believe peeing on a stick is the right way to determine pregnancy. Oh no, it takes peeing on 30 sticks and keeping them a baggie to show while entertaining the Vanderbilts!!

I’m not gonna lie though, everybody has the one famous person they're dying to meet. That’s Kathryn for me. I want to meet her, learn the secrets of her hair, and perhaps the mechanics of that sweet, sweet raspy voice of hers. I love how she conveniently films in a white dress. 

And now, the world stops turning for a minute, for it’s time to reintroduce the one, the only, queen and head b*tch of this group: Patricia!!! Whitney’s mother graces us with her presence, and refuses to hesitate in showing us how much better she is than us with her Chanel makeup and Kaftan of the day. Whitney enters and mommy instantly makes him realize the travesty of life without a butler. Instantly we’re given the best quote of the season: “I have no interest in an inferior martini”. Whitney lies to his mommy and refuses to believe that $1.5 million over budget is a big deal. He doesn’t care, his idea generated by Bravo is like so last year. Patricia and Whitney both admit they’re out of the Kathryn pregnancy story this time. 

Cooper visits Kathryn at her family’s plantation. All 800-intact-acres of it, including the slave cemetery. She at first thought he was a spy from Patricia, but now thinks he’s a decent person or something. She and Bravo remind us that she has proof of Thomas saying he’d take care of her. It seems like Kathryn this time hid her preggers state, because it’s like all of a sudden she’s six-or-what-not months in. She also conjectures with Cooper as to why Patricia doesn’t like her. Anyone else like how in her mind Patricia sounds like Maleficent? To answer your question Kathryn, to Patricia your life goal appeared to be getting pregnant by someone who was not your husband.

By the way, I can’t get enough of the flashback where Shep fists the air after Kathryn’s witty response. View 2,354 from me and I’m still on the floor dying. Surprise, surprise Patricia is happy Whitney won’t be having a babe with Kathryn. Damn, Patricia you got some standards after all. 

Cooper, God bless him, reminds Kathryn that this is Charleston, SC, and not New York City. She’s broken conservative Bible Belt rules with her decisions. Now, this is the part that gets me. Kathryn genuinely seems to be taking this in. Ok, I am a poor native of Charleston, and Cooper is from Alabama, but we both get Southern Code better than a woman whose grandfather was a real-life Frank Underwood within SC for decades. WTF?

We get back to the frat party Craig is planning, and again I worry for the man I won’t ever meet. Only in Bravoland does a man prove he’s an adult by throwing a wannabe rave. Shep is like “hell no” when Craig calls and puts that sh*t to voicemail. Damn when you’re out with Shep, it’s like you’re the AntiChrist. 

We watch TRav pimp his new home for him and the kids. Not Kathryn though; she gets a nice cardboard box. He wants the house to say T-Rav when you come in, because CofC sophomores are stupid without warning apparently. 

And finally, LANDON!!! I forgot she existed. I want to be her; I want to smile all the time, be happy. Now she and Thomas live close, and I feel bad for her. At this point, I want her to have sex with Thomas, because Bravo clearly got the message from its fans that her role last year wasn’t great, so like Kathryn she will stay on the show by lovin’ on Thomas. Really Landon, just don’t. Hold Shep down until he cries uncle before you go to the Dark Side. And now, the elephant: T-Rav’s shiner!!! He got it being his affable self in the club. Like Landon, I agree: who the hell lives his kind of life?

Now, children, pay attention to this: the color of the day is periwinkle. So important later, but for now it’s Kensie’s room. Like any other misogynist, T-Rav is excited for his boy to carry the name, because, screw girls. They then talk about how Kathryn is holding the kids hostage—like Kathryn, T-Rav apparently missed the book on life and just now realizes he has no rights without rings. I don’t like the banter on giving Kathryn shock treatment, unless T-Rav also gets his balls shocked. Equal opportunity, you know.

Before Craig’s “Im an adult” frat party, Landon goes to Shep’s house, and they talk about Craig. Shep hasn’t seen Craig yet. Shep is sure that his not-talking to Craig and ignoring him means that they’re just brothers, which as an only child I can’t verify. But Landon plays therapist and explains to Shep that Craig is sensitive because he gets veklempt or some crap like Yankees do, and Shep is like “no one around me is sensitive." Landon is our translator here: Shep has some form of Southern Prince of Tides training where you’re a man, no feelings, be tough. OH MA GAWD, she just described my daddy (haha I’m Southern). Is this why I dream of having time to stalk Shep’s Twitter page? Screw you Freud!!! 

Whitney comes to Shep’s casa, and Shep explains that Craig wants to party like a kid because he’s an adult. Of course, Kathryn comes up, and Whitney asks Landon if she will sleep with Thomas. Landon says no, but something tells me yes. According to Landon, Kathryn has to sleep with men or hate them, but I don’t know—because she likes Shep. 

Finally Craig’s frat party begins, and when I first see him, I want to eat him. Because my mouth sees cotton candy, pink cotton candy, and that stuff is DA BOMB. The more appropriateterm is "Italian drug dealer," according to Cameran, so I guess we have to stick with that. And kudos to Craig for finding a woman that dresses like him; marry her now Craig. Cameran and others can’t believe Craig’s fortune, or rather that he’s dating a woman who has some. 

Finally, Shep comes, with awesome comment on how sucky his car is, and mentions astonishment that Craig is able to get away with living in sin. I don’t know, I think Jesus prefers sinning with only one woman on a consistent basis. But I could be wrong.

Craig sees Shep, and the drama begins. Shep goes out and they awkward wanna-bromance hug, and instantly Shep lets Craig know he’s not forgiving him easy for being an ass. 

Everyone talks, bullshits with each other, and just mingles around to make Bravo happy. Thomas spots a Kathryn in the making, and instantly puts his moves to work, much to Cameran’s glee. 

Then Kathryn comes in, and again I love the dichotomy of Southern values versus reality. Can’t a man, ANY man, help a pregnant woman down stairs anymore? There is an unborn child there, accidents do happen. Everyone's like “oh man she IS pregnant! I don’t know what to do or say so I say nothing except to a camera,” and crap, and I remind myself well this IS Charleston.

My daddy always says that the TRUE SC license plate should read “Smiling Faces, Knives to Stab You All Over The Places”. Hell, I fully expect people to gossip about ME once this damn thing gets out. That’s Charleston folks. Shep, God Bless Him, tries to hug and be normal, though that should have happened at the DAMN STAIRS. Sorry, pet peeve here. 

Apparently no one has reached out to Kathryn this time, and now only after a second kid, which happens to be a BOY, do people seem to hate her I guess? Thomas so tries to get Kathryn’s attention right, but she’s like “nah, bra, ain’t nobody got time for you”.

Thomas, it’s not hard to figure this out: get a counselor, talk this out, and work on it, like oh I don’t know, ADULTS. She’s clearly mad that she’s a wife except in name. Are people really not talking to Kathryn or is she blocking to get sympathy? Who the hell cares.

Finally, FINALLY, we get the bro-fight we want from Cotton Candy Craig and Shep. Sheppy still has a lot to teach Craig : you sip scotch dammit be sophisticated. Craig wants to be friends, and Shep wants that too. Shep is mad because Craig was a disaster and Craig didn’t want to admit that. Craig is like "I know bra, but like the way you were doing it made me feel bad, because it was a reality check or something but coming from a guy who never has to work actually it felt like you hated me or something." 

Shep is like "I only get mad when I love you," and Craig is like "I was mad because you saw through me and loved me or something." Shep is tired of being angry, and Craig is like "I hate how you know me, and won’t let me lie like my old boss did for a while," and so forth and so forth. Why is Shep’s hair wet? 

And then royale to the battle round 2: T-Rav and Kathryn. OK. Seriously, people you KNOW these two fight like cats and dogs and NO ONE steps the F in to ensure that these two don’t die, especially the unborn Ravenel.

So T-Rav sits next to Kathryn and they talk. Small talk, which is monumental for them since they can’t do anything together. After 400 rounds of “Are you ok. Are you ok?”

T-Rav tells Kit-Kat the nursery for Kensie is now Periwinkle. Remember that word children?

Kathryn applies her political science degree analytical skills and deduces that hey, Landon’s got a periwinkle dress on so now SHE KNOWS he's f*cking her!!! Seriously this is the first time they talk in months? What do they do in bed? Nevermind, don’t tell me. 

Then comes the worst feel-of-the-belly in the history of mankind. Seriously, just don’t. The fact that TRav mentions the future St Julien is upset in utero just finishes the trifecta of shut-the-hell-up for me. 

Spicing it up is that instead of next week’s review we get the trailer. Whatever, at this point I need a shower and sleep.