Who's your Daddy? — Southern Charm Season 3, Episode 9 Recap

Wassup homies? It’s time again to recap the latest episode of the show everyone outside of Charleston wishes they could be on: Southern Charm!! As usual we got a lot to throw shade on so let’s get started.

This week’s wake-up-calls footage is great. I love how Cameran is dressed to impress with her listing for the day, and she’s getting Shep’s voicemail. Raise your hand if you think Shep hasn’t left his bed yet? I’ve got both raised. But actually, Shep's up and receiving some sweet gin from his business partner Taylor. I want some too. T-Rav is sending his family pictures of the new heir, because he needs the promised 10 grand from Daddy Arthur STAT.

Meanwhile, workaholic Craig visits the home of his former boss at the law firm. Apparently Craig misses screaming and calling Akim, so while he doesn’t come out and say it he clearly wants to work in law again. This is the reason Akim Anastapolou is a rich lawyer and not Craig; he sees right through Craig’s BS “hey bra I gots it together now by running a hotel” act and is like “honey boo boo you ain’t even taken the bar yet don’t bother me.”

You go former boss. You have to wonder after 3 years if Craig A) really wants to be a lawyer and B) has even knowledge to pass the bar. I have my doubts kimosabe. If you want to follow your dreams of being a male model just do it. Quit teasing us.

Shep meets Bailey for dinner, and he’s excited for their night of flirtation and escapades. But tonight Bailey seems off to him. She doesn’t want to be wined and dined, she needs to talk. Uh oh Shep, “we need to talk” is code for either you’re screwed or I'm pregnant. It’s a national tragedy people; Bailey is type of girl Shep needs. Blonde, pretty, go-getting, and stylish as hell, she’s able to transcend boundaries and people. Get it together Shep!

Bailey says she DOES love Shep, (yay) BUT she wants the c-word in there: commitment baby. Shep’s look is the same I give when a friend hands me a full-poopy diaper baby: hell no.

What is wrong with you Shep?! Shep attempts some middle-ground, aka “can we bop each other without pressure pretty-please?” 

But Bailey says no, now he’s just a friend. Dayum, son. Though I feel that Shep will bounce back pretty damn quick. Like in 12 hours or so. Poor Bailey. I wonder if these girls think they have “it” to make them the one. Gotta give her props though. She knows what she wants, and she ain’t compromising. I feel bad for Shep. He wants a wife, two kids, and a home, but he just loves variety too much. Can’t be monogamous and visiting the women buffet everynight. Back to the drawing board.

Cameran visits her mom in a move similar to Landon’s grand Mommy Dearest meeting; she needs to know if not wanting to pop out kids a la Kathryn is ok. Is she crazy? Should she have a brain transplant?! Most importantly, will mommy still lover her as she is?!?! Cameran starts by saying how Shep’s driving her crazy during their business. Apparently Cameran doesn’t agree that Shep should strike a pose in the pictures for the listing. 

So Cameran doesn’t think she should have kids. In fact, if her husband knocked her up tonight her life is over. I think she really expected her mom to bitch-slap her, but surprise, surprise, Cameran’s alive. Her mom is just like bless your heart, baby, if you don’t want them don’t have them. Though I think that is because Cameran has a sister lol. Someone’s giving mom and Cameran’s husband kids. Speaking of hubby, I feel like Cameran throws Jason under the bus. They didn’t speak about this at all before marriage? If not I feel for him.

We then see the big sales pitch from Team Shep/Cameran, and it’s a hoot and holler. Shep is so unprepared. It’s like their customer is bipolar. If he doesn’t like how the house is, Shep will turn it into what the customer wants. Oh you want marble floors? Well let’s pretend they are. Love how Shep seems to be fighting the Civil War; screw them damn Yankees!! My opinion: Shep thought the client was a woman. He’d laugh, take his top off, and make that sweet commission easy peasy. Cameran fires him like I fire drama queens: bye!

The Ravenels go home with St. Julien, aka The Heir. T-Rav shows off the new baby and gets the hell out of the house to party with the boys. Sounds about right. Who needs to be responsible when there’s other things going on?

T-Rav meets the guys for a celebration night, to celebrate the proper functioning of his penis. Cigars, and reminding the world of the importance of his name being continued. Because douchebag is the best name ever and must be remembered. Now we know the answer to our pressing desires: baby T-Rav won’t be circumcised. Apparently T-Rav misses his foreskin. Then, because we want to hear more, we learn Shep likes being cut. gag gag gag. Please don’t ever let me hear men say women act stupid among each other again. 

Sexy Whitney meets Shep the next day at the Rarebit, and he’s down because he and Bailey broke up. To him old habits die hard. I gotta admit wise Whitney is a fun thing to behold: he tells Shep that it’s OK and great to be in a stable place with a woman. Shep is excited that Whitney’s 10 years older than him. Shep realizes that Charleston likely doesn’t harbor his soulmate. Perhaps Mama Frances in Hilton Head knows someone? Im thinking a Vanderbilt, Rockefeller, or hell, even a measley old Ravenel for her boy.

Nanny Dawn is the best; thank God she gets Kathryn to hold the baby before the crib breaks. Kathryn tells Dawn that T-Rav’s post birth euphoria makes him want to be involved, such as dumping the new Heir to celebrate with men. Kathryn is trying to make it work because she wants T-Rav in the kids’ lives. Good luck... I won't hold my breath.

Shep goes to visit Landon with wine, and she shows him how she’s working hard on the magazine prototype. She feels weird around him and decides now its time for her big reveal. I’m seriously glad that Shep’s serious that she’s serious about being serious about it. Shep tells Landon he’s sad about Bailey but Landon is like hells yas! She tells Shep she isn’t sad. Because she loves him!!! Shep’s response is like “wow, really, wow, really, I mean um, wow, really?!” at least that’s what his face says.

Seriously, can I just be in the scene giving Barney-size hugs?! It’s no Notebook but damn it’s close to greek tragedy. Shep finally responds to this proclamation with one word: why. Landon is startled and is like wow really? Shep swears up and down he didn’t know. Landon doesn’t believe him, but he’s serious. And for likely the first time is unsure what to do and feels bad. The edits show him leaving fast afterwards. So sad.

Next, we see post-Shep Landon going to meet Lockhart for her project, looking like a sexy bitch getting what she wants. But Lockhart remains unimpressed. All she shows him is clip-art reminiscent ideas? He is telling her life lessons: girl, you need a damn website. She’s nowehere, and he can’t connect her. Guess that I just write and you do the work setup ain’t gonna happen. Like Rihanna says, work work work work work!

So apparently Shep and Landon’s world is crashing because ThomKat are being cordial to each other. Man, Kensie is a smooth kid—after Kathryn says she’s ready for a ring Kensie laughs. That’s sad when a kid knows two people aren’t right. Kathryn is glad they’re getting along, and T-Rav takes this time to try breaking up her friendship with Jennifer.

Kathryn needs to talk with Jennifer, because she reads people well. Not enough laugh emojis for that one, sorry kid. But Kathryn loves T-Rav, and I gotta admit I almost vomited at the domestic bliss scene they give us. Thank God for Kensie. She tried her best to stop the BS by pulling out the lights!

Finally, God gives us Patricia; I refuse to accept non-Patricia episodes like the Queen Bee refuses an inferior martini. The party starts like a baby shower, which I thought men hated. Perhaps rich men love it? Though I really truly believe T-Rav didn’t know what condoms were until Craig hands him some. The 80's were a wild time in case you forgot. 

Did the queen bee really praise a son like a true achievement? Screw it, I’m not going to Harvard anymore, I'm just going to have T-Rav’s son. Or Shep’s. Even Craig’s will do. And Shep loves that bell!

I love how they insult Kathryn’s cooking. Well T-Rav, if you married her and had one house only you can afford a chef. Oh wait, you have money and are just a cheap ass. Deal with crappy food.

Anyone notice how Craig changed Patricia’s working for JD question to working with JD? Keep dreaming buddy. But most important is Shep revealing to all Landon’s confession. I have mixed feelings. They’re close friends, and this group has no non-Whitney secrets. But that also is a hard thing to admit, and I hope Landon didn’t feel bad with the whole world knowing. The cameras should reveal this, NOT Shep lol.

Anyone hear what Shep said? They hooked up once, she was pragmatic and said this may not be good, they slept on it, and he agreed and heard nothing more for two years. Let’s do the math here. Does that mean they tried something when she first came on the show? Is this why she’s on the show? Hmm…. I don’t know what to do with Shep. Does he want kids? I think he likes the T-Rav way.

We end with a discussion on paternity for the Heir. T-Rav can be gullible. Gotta love Craig, he loves cans of worms like I love junkfood: can’t have just one. No one is surprised if the kid’s not a true heir, and Craig admits she was dating someone at the time. Was it you Craig? 

Come back next week when we rival the Housewives in weave throwing!!!