Southern Charm. What We Learned. Round Table Discussion 6.

Hunter Gardner

Southern Charm, Episode Six is in the books. One of my favorite comedians and local improvisers, Andy Rider, joined me on the couch to debunk this week's charm. 

What Andy Learned:

I believe it's important that I let the reader know that I have never seen this show before, and was led to believe that it was a spin-off of the hit WB show Charmed, hence the title, Southern Charm. Three minutes into the show, and there was still no magic, though a woman who looked surprisingly like Morticia was training Cameran in the art of realty. The training mainly consisted of checking out one house, then going to see if Thomas Ravenel was home (spoiler alert, he was). Thomas was still sleeping. Morticia insinuates that she and Tommy Jr once slept together. Cameran gives her a mental high five. 

At one point, Morticia points out that houses on Church Street cost real money. This is historically incorrect, as in the 1700's, most houses on Church Street were bartered for with livestock. One house cost a person, at least five pigs, and one cow. Today, a pig from the 1700's would go for like $1,000,000. Six minutes into the show, and there is still no magic. This may be due to the low budget nature of the show, however, I would think they would at least talk about magic from time to time. Cameran mentions that she has no idea what's going on during her training, and just smiles and nods a lot. I think I understand why she's recieved no formal training in magic.

We now focus on Whitney, a seemingly young warlock who is just rolling out of bed after a late night partying and being threatened by his best friend. His mother suggests freezing his sperm, and then makes a martini disappear. Finally, some magic!

Thomas is visited by his political advisor, who admits to having checked the police band to make certain that Thomas was not arrested last night. Hunter paused the show at this point to remind me that Thomas is the hero of the show, and not an evil druid. Thomas assures his political advisor that he is still on the straight and narrow, and that he has feelings for a woman named Kathryn. He does not mention other people he has feelings for. Poitical advisor advises Thomas that his compass is in the right place, though he does not mention in which direction the compas should be pointing.

Cameran shows up to Hominy Grill with Jenna resplendent in traditional witch garb. Two thumbs up Jenna! Both order dessert without even looking at Yelp. Score for Hominy's desserts. Possible off screen spell may have been used? While eating, they find out they're invited to Thomas Ravenel's house for a dinner party. Careful ladies, it's a trap!

Thomas and Katheryn discuss the dinner party, and he keeps mentioning that Kathryn is a very wise and old soul. I'm going to assume a possession or glamour spell of some sort was cast. Perhaps she's the real villian?

Cameran buys a new car, though only just having gotten a job, and having recieved no pay. I suspect that she is not a good role model. She takes Shep out for lunch, in which Shep complains that he does not like manual labor. Foolish human, if he only knew of the power Cameran possesses. 

Whitney is visited by his friend Brian, creator of Planet Hollywood. Whitney suggests they go into business together, but Brian does not want to involve Shep. This may be prejudice due to the fact that Shep seemingly wields no magical abilities, or self-awareness. Brian agrees to jump in with both feet if Whitney agrees to work with him on creating a three-story Mexican restaurant. No mention of the fact that only eight of the original 100 Planet Hollywoods still remain.

Everyone begins to get ready for the party. Kathryn finishes first, and says that she feels like a mermaid. Um, Ursula anyone? Mermaid witches are the worst. Finally, everyone arrives, and Thomas regales them with a tale of lost love and uses The Glass Menagerie as a metaphor, though I am unsure if he was the frail sister, or the put-upon brother in this paticular metaphor. Possibly a broken unicorn statue? 

Thomas confesses that the lost love is now married, and has a child, but if she were free, he'd be on that like "white on rice." Kathryn is angry, and offers Cameran legs with which to walk, in exchange for her voice, but Cameran does not get the reference, and points out she has working legs. Craig, Thomas' other lawyer friend, uses truth magic to reveal that Kathryn slept with three people at the table. The party ends shortly thereafter, and everyone leaves for their waiting brooms, save Kathryn and Craig, who begin to bicker. Before spells are thrown, Thomas Ravenel breaks it up. Kathryn suggests he may lose her. 

Overall, I would say that while I'm happy that there are attempting a spin-off of Charmed, I feel like they could have spent more time on the show. It's nice to see parts of Charleston getting time on screen, however, I thought some of the characters were a little flat. 

What Hunter Leanred:

This week's Southern Charm was all about one thing: wisdom. Everyone seemed to know what was best for everyone else. The pinnacle of this was when Kathryn Dennis suggested that Thomas Ravenel host a dinner party to give (unsolicited) advice to the cast members, but he wasn't the only with wisdom.

Here are the Cliff's Notes:

Cameran's Wisdom:

Historic houses in Charleston are really cool, but it is also really hard to remember facts about history, y'all (1)! In order to buy a house in Charleston, you have to have money (2). Chandeliers are pretty cool. By the way, I'm a real estate agent. Oh, and I can't believe I drank wine with my ice cream at lunch, gross (3)! Also, Taco Bell is delicious (4). Farting is not Southern though, so take Gas-X (5).

1. In all fairness, I maintained a "C" average throughout my AP US History class, and regularly took naps.
2. This is true of all houses.
3. Everyone who has ever been through a breakup/has Netflix disagrees.
4. Debatable.
5. This episode of Southern Charm, brought to you by Gas-X.

Thomas' political consultant, Will Folks' Wisdom:

Goatees are rad (6). You don't have to have political experience to be a political consultant: everything I learned about politics/how to interact with people, I learned from a Dr. Dre's Chronic 2001 (7) and Pitbull's playlist. When Thomas Ravenel uses words with more than one syllable (8), cross your fingers and subtly nod your head. Great job, me.

6. Debatable
7. Still taking time to perfect the beat. Still got love for the streets. 
8. Or something in French.

Thomas' Wisdom:

You learn more about yourself on the way down that you do on the way up (9). You can't help who you love, even if that person is a beverage cart girl at a golf course (10). I read the Glass Menagerie, but only have a vague concept of what it is about (11). Did I mention I'm still in love with my ex-fiancée who I broke it off with the day before the wedding?

9. Also true about rollercoasters. 
10. Beverage cart girls at golf courses are people, too.
11. In all fairness, this is true for me, too. I remember that one of the characters goes to the movies a lot as a form of escapism. I related to this because sometimes I don't like being around people and I also like movies. 

Craig's Wisdom:

Girls are insane (12)!

12. Na, nana, boo, boo!

Kathryn's Wisdom:

You're insane (13)! Also, I'm the most mature 21 year old on the planet (14, 15).

13. I know you are, but what am I?
14. Highly debatable. 
15. In all fairness, most 21 year olds think this.

So much wisdom, yall. 

Looks like next week will get heated once again, when we hear more about Whitney's did-they-or-didn't-they with Kathryn Dennis (aka WhitneyGate). Stay tuned.