Emily + Pant + Suit = Me. Ow. (Episode 4 Recap)

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I think it’s sweet that Emily took Nate and John to Medieval Times for their date. (Even though she was clearly dealing with one of her cross-eyed episodes.)

 

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This week, right out of the gate we discover that Ryan is the new Bentley. The only difference being Ryan is less attractive, compelling, intelligent, creative, charming, witty, mature, deep, or charming. But other than that they are EXACTLY THE SAME.
 
Cue Chris Harrison and his purple cuffed Cam from “Modern Family” shirt, who gives the prerequisite tourism pitch (this time for Bermuda, an island that I’m pretty sure doesn’t need selling). From there we cut to Emily who for about the 50th time conveys to the audience that she really just wants somebody to forget to pull out while having sex with her. Babies this, babies that. Yeah, we get it, Emily. You want your own football team. Enough already.
 
Upon touching down in Bermuda, the guys/nerds show their sadness from being plucked from sizzling Charlotte by lining up on their scooters and attempting to wreck one other. Sadly, no one succeeds in this endeavor.
 
This week it’s Doug who lands the first date. Keeping up the trend of lame ass dates in this season, Emily takes him shopping. Naturally Doug gets excited because Doug sucks. Much to my surprise, Doug beats the over by making it an entire 37 seconds before talking about being a dad. As for the date highlights: The two walk through the concrete moon of romance and talk about a bunch of shit that put me to sleep two minutes in. Doug probably cried and Emily said she wanted more kids. I wouldn’t know because it was so goddamn boring it PUT ME IN A COMA.
 
This week’s group date is a sailboat race. Team red kills it at first. Then, the yellow teams passes them! Then, all of a sudden, it’s neck and neck! And then I remember I don’t give a shit who wins! YAY INDIFFERENCE! (In case you actually care, my wife later told me that Team Yellow won and Team Red cried their way back to the hotel (looking at you, Charlie). As for the “winners,” Jef takes his opportunity with Emily to say the word “like” a Guinness Record-tying 876 times. Ryan shares his years or wisdom and breadth of experience (drawing on both touch football AND tackle football) to explain to Emily the responsibility of being the bachelorette, a position that most little girls often look up to as the bastion of chastity and honor.)
 
I come to just in time to see Jef, like, getting the rose.
 
On the fight-to-the-death/call-the-other-guy-a-rapist date, John and Nate square off to see who is less boring. They cheers 27 times because nobody ever knows what to do on these awkward things. Nate goes off to talk to Emily in what I assume is private, only my wife points out that it’s kind of tough to tell a secret in a cave. At the end of the date John ends up getting the rose because he’s not a crybaby.
 
Back at the bachelor pad Chris and Doug get into it, by which I mean Chris makes no sense and Doug somehow comes off as not a dick. (A first.)
 
In the end, Charlie and Michael get cut while mystifyingly Kalon and Fred Flintstone (Ryan and his square jaw) stick around for yet another episode while Emily looks phenomenal in her white pantsuit.
 
Somewhere in the distance, a dog barks. (And I contemplate killing myself for watching this terrible show.)

 

(NOTE: Bryce will be posting weekly synopses of the genius that is The Bachelorette the day after each new episode airs. To see older posts, or simply catch his thoughts about the other members of the Bachelor franchise, feel free to visit his website, www.brycedonovan.com. Or don't. But you should definitely do one or the other.)