Image courtesy http://www.snopes.com/politics/gasoline/anwr.asp
As the Middle East continues to slouch towards Muslim anarchy, and the American economy remains at Depression Era levels, one must consider the role of petroleum in all this. After all, the cost of petroleum affects the cost of everything we consume. Why? Not only because it’s used in the production of everything but Cap’n Crunch, but because a diesel-burning ship/train/truck delivered everything you own. And last time I checked, 18-wheelers don’t run on windmills and hope.
We have (many times over) the ability to free ourselves of foreign oil, simply by drilling in Alaska. Throw in the Gulf of Mexico and the California coast and we could all be wearing turbans, driving Rolls Royces, and hankering for a reason to blow ourselves up.
There is, however, a problem. Drilling in Alaska could possibly, maybe, might have a negative impact on the caribou habitat, and there’s teensy, tiny, kind of a chance it could negatively impact polar bears.
By my estimation, caribou have a cuddly and cool rating of 9.5, and polar bears have a totally awesome badass rating of 10. An 11, if that was possible. So I’m forced to ask myself an important question: Am I willing to negatively impact these wild and wonderful creatures for one-dollar-a-gallon gas?
Buck a gallon? Or possible negative impact? Buck a gallon? Or possible negative impact?
Since “possible negative impact” doesn’t translate to “assured extinction,” I decided to better define the concept. Let’s see… driving could have a possible negative impact on me as any given day could result in my being T-boned by a semi—which would ensure my extinction. Eating could have a negative impact on me, because I could be wolfing down a big steak and get a chunk caught in my throat—next stop, extinction. Petting my dog could have a possible negative impact on me, because she could revert to wolfhood and rip my lungs out. Man, this negative impact thing is a slippery slope. But since I deal with so many possible negative impacts in a day, I guess the caribou and the polar bears could as well.
These are sensitive days, however, and I can’t just push possible negative impacts onto these animals willy-nilly; they both have fur, and I could be accused of furism. One’s white and one’s brown, so I could be accused of colorism. Antlerism. Tooth-and-claw-ism. Adapted-to-cold-weather-ism. The list is long, and a little scary. Thus, I felt it was important to prove I’m not prejudiced towards them, so I’m providing a partial list of animals I’d saddle with possible negative impact for dollar-a-gallon gas. You can find them below:
Black Widow Spider
Diamond back rattler
Galapagos Land Iguana
Great White Shark
Green poison dart frog
Green Sea Turtle
Leatherback sea turtle
White tailed dear
Yellow Bellied Marmot
Yellow belly sapsucker
Yellow finned tuna