Hey, nice people. By now we’ve become familiar with our characters: Thomas Ravenel is looking for love, Shep is the schoolboy who can’t grow up (and double-crossed his bro, Craig), Cameran is the cool chick friend, Jenna is the zany one, JD is the half-family-man-half-party-boy and Whitney is totally straight, you guys. My friend Jeremy McLellan and I learned a lot this past week from watching Southern Charm, and hope you did, too.
What Hunter Learned:
1. With the second butt shot of the series, this time featuring Jenna, Bravo shows that they are not afraid to push the envelope when it comes to nonsensical nudity (pressure’s on, HBO).
2. Cameran is pursuing a career as a real estate agent because she hasn’t been handed a trust fund like everyone else on the show, just a really nice Benz.
3. Also, I know this show was filmed in the summer months, but all the talking on cell phones while driving is really bad PR for the distracted driving laws that Charleston passed in October.
4. Whitney has many practical skills (see also: dumb party tricks) like opening a bottle of champagne, “the way James Bond would,” by slowly creaking it open instead of popping it. Party!
5. Brandy, Whitney’s assistant from the West coast, thinks that a Lowcountry Boil is something you make in a cauldron. She is also really interested in seeing, “the scary rooms” in Jenna’s new house. Brandy is a witch, you guys.
6. It is clear that both Brandy and Jenna have completely made up jobs, as Brandy explains that she is Whitney’s “assistant” and Jenna makes her money by doing “investment stuff” ya know, like, with investments.
7. If Jenna wasn’t, “a Southern woman with good manners,” then she totally would have told Brandy to, “f*ck off.” ...Man, check out those manners, ya’ll!
8. Whitney knows that Jenna has a rich, older boyfriend, and while circumnavigating that him and Brandy appear to have the same relationship (see also: cognitive dissonance), he admits that he would love to have a rich boyfriend to pay his rent, but no gay stuff, because homosexuality is gross.
9. According to Danni, Shep and her didn’t work out because of his disinterest in settling down—but also because he doesn’t like yellow mustard and tomatoes. Girls, if you want to date Shep, give him back rubs and don’t bring up his distaste for common cheeseburger condiments.
10. Thomas Ravenel knows French, making him tri-lingual: English, French, Drunk.
11. Shep thinks that just the word cocaine makes people crazy. Actually, that might hold up.
12. Whitney’s mom buys accessories for the purpose of matching out her bubblegum pink pistol.
13. Jenna likes all people, as long as they like to party. Word.
14. Craig doesn’t really want to be around Shep given their Kathryn Dennis love triangle. Craig thought Shep was “funny, loyal and cool," but it turns out, “he’s not the guy I thought he was.” They just need some time apart.
15. JD is a family man. You can tell, because he pre-games parties and enters with a hearty, “What the f*ck!” Also, the shot of him driving a boat early in this episode after drinking a tall liquor drink is really bad PR for…driving a boat after drinking a tall liquor drink.
16. Thomas Ravenel is bad at dancing.
17. Kathryn Dennis may be pregnant with T-Rav’s baby! ...This is great PR for protected sex. Stay tuned!
What Jeremy Learned:
You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I watch Southern Charm. After last week’s episode, I predicted that its success would largely depend on whether viewers want to watch rich powerful people behave terribly. Over and over, we hear the same thing: the men on this show suffer from “Peter Pan Syndrome.” This is an insult to Peter Pan. Let me count the ways.
1. Peter Pan runs away to Neverland at the age of 12 so he doesn’t have to live with his mother. Whitney hasn’t made it that far. Also, Peter Pan doesn’t age. Is there a starstuff cosmetic cream he can get from Cameron?
2. Peter Pan hangs out with the Lost Boys and doesn’t care about their past. Danni won’t date T-Rav because he spent 10 months in Hook’s dungeon. Is she afraid the other girls will make fun of her? Wendy wouldn’t pull any shit like that. Wendy loved Peter. Wendy was great. I loved Wendy. I still do.
3. Moving on. Every character in Peter Pan has cool outfits and hair. The only one on the show who looks remotely cool is Jenna, if only because she has the same hairdresser as Rufio. Bangerang, Jenna!
4. Peter Pan also has many amazing abilities. He’s a skilled community organizer for the Lost Boys. He can fly, swordfight, copy bird sounds, and speak dolphin. In contrast, nobody really knows how anyone on this show earns money. How can Jenna afford that mansion? When they go out to eat for every meal, do they pay for it or just imagine the food?
5. Lastly, Peter Pan uses fairy dust to fly and ends up having children with someone decades younger than him. Thomas Ravenel…OK well that one makes sense.