Hey yall it’s time to recap and discuss the one tv show that former Charleston Mayor Joe Riley vowed to NEVER watch, ever: Southern Charm.
This week’s episode is brought to you by the words I hate, and the color pink. I have a vendetta against pink, because it won’t let me look good no matter the shade, cut, or prayers put into it. So already I loathe this episode. But I digress.
So BravoTV decided that if it ain’t broke, still fix it, because we no longer get wake up routines from the junkyard gang. Ok, Bravo, make me sad, that’s ok. What we get as consolation is TRav at 7:45 a.m. obviously confused and thinking he’s in a parade, because he’s driving no more than 5mph and has 129 cars behind him wanting to run him off the road. Or maybe that’s me—Charlestonians can’t drive.
TRav goes to his brother JD’s place to discuss his woes, all 1 of them. JD makes the coffee special of his house, Keurig in kid mugs. Thomas is mad because Kathryn won’t let him see his daughter. Apparently when he pulled out of the lease agreement, Kathryn’s stress went into overdrive, and she went to hospital with complications.
Thomas genuinely feels for Kathryn, for he has a brother who suffers from mental disabilities due to premature birth. His name is Thomas Ravenel, and he's made a success of his life by starring on a well-loved reality show named Southern Charm. Oh wait, my bad. TRav is like I can’t stress out Kathryn anymore, so Kathryn will get her dreamhouse. JD is all like whoa brother this logic aint good, and TRav agrees. JD apparently thinks that since his wife put up with him for 4 pregnancies without killing him, that Kathryn is lying about needing medical attention. Remember this for later children. By the way, was TRav this conscientious when the baby was a girl? Not likely.
And now for a plot twist: according to TRav, all this baby drama is due not to him, or Kathryn, or Bravo, or even Jesus, but to the lovely femme fatale Jennifer Snowden. TRav has known Jennifer for 10 years, and they had a drunken fling. Apparently Jennifer wanted more, and is angry that Kathryn is the one bearing Ravenel heirs. So she’s stayed in Thomas’ love life by stirring up Kathryn. She takes photos and tells Kathryn all about Thomas' issues. Riiiight. It’s called girl power Thomas, deal with it. Next lifetime wear a condom, and dont sleep with women 30 years younger than you. And really, you can handle pregnancy and women thanks to prison? Better send those college degrees back then, they’re worthless.
We then see Shep talking to Cameran while driving, because screw safety. Shep is wearing his trademark green shirt for the 1,456th time. Cameran lovingly tells Shep of her all-night diarrhea drama, and Shep in return reminds her that she cooked, ergo she’s sick. Well played, sir, well played.
Shep is playing truancy officer and is going to physically watch Craig put the bar application in the mail. What happened to trust and forgiveness? Everyone this season is jaded. I think we need a rest from TV, Charmers.
Shep really is a country boy in a rich city slicker’s body as he grabs the one baseball cap in Craig’s office to put on. Craig is all like "dude I’ve gotten drunk on bourbon so I know I can do this no job problem bra." Shep’s interview eye roll to this is the best! The analogy of saying you could run Chevy because you can drive is so true, but why Chevy? Is that what Shep drives? I see Shep and Craig as more of a Maserati-style men.
Something makes me think that at one point Shep tried to follow the well-trodden path within his family and attempted to study law; he’s way too comfortable around a subject he “cares nothing about”.
Craig is worried because he doesn't know if his photos need the touch of a glue stick or velcro to stay on the Bar application. God forbid Craig is banned from law because his model looks aren’t attached to the applicaton. What the hell is a mailing center Craig? Are you Canadian?! Keep on and Trump’s going after your birth certificate sir!!
Cameran meets her friend Leva for brunch, and instantly freaks out when her friend stresses over all the work she’s doing to get pregnant. Right on sister. Cameran prayed there’s something wrong with her to have her Monopoly get out jail card in regards to needing to procreate, which failed. Cameran wants to get therapy for why she doesn’t want kids but already knows the answer: she has to be in control. Good luck with that Cam!
Now we get to the part that makes me squeal in delight: the flamingo party!!! But where is Patricia’s Caftan?! One things for sure, it’s pink so I’m already losing interest. I later discovered it's for breast cancer, so I give it a litte more respect.
Next we have "evil witch-in-training according to Bravo," Landon picking up Craig for what all normal people do: choreographed lunch hour spa visits! As she states, “being well-kept means you’re a good person.” Okay then. I will remember that, never.
Craig’s gotta get his yankee metrosexual look on, so he’s debating his choice for the party. Jennifer calls Craig to say Kathryn was in hospital bleeding after an argument; Landon drives with a stone-cold expression while Craig shows human emotion.
Then Landon adds salt to wound after hearing Kathryn's new woes and is like “thanks for calling, now spa!”. Dayum. Once again, for the sake of the kid go check for 'crying wolves" each time.
So finally Kathryn explains: she got worked up because of the stress, her blood pressure went haywire, and she went to hospital. Thomas comes through and she will definitely get her dream house y'all! Thomas even wants to help her move, awww. It’s nice when they can talk like adults. Kathryn reminds us of the sick logic that it took an ER visit to get TRav’s help.
Back to the land of pink and flamingos; even the food is pink. Damn, I need Patricia’s life. I need a butler handing me jewels on a silver platter, and a makeup artist to make me beautiful, even if the color is pink.
Glad to see Shep finally found his soulmate, that special ironing board, and that Cameran decides to be the flamingo princess by placing a giant stuffed animal on her head. Thomas wants to introduce Landon to his friend and let him learn her intimate secrets and skills.
The party begins and it’s so so fun! Landon shows off her inner flamingo. Whitney and Thomas gossip, and Shep brings a friend who I swear to God looks like the Barbie I ubered last year. Landon is so jealous of little Barbie, and later comes the most obvious side interview: she wants to date Shep but can’t stand to be hurt. Gotta make a move while he’s still available girlie! Or has she moved on to Thomas?
I loved how TRav is outsmarted by a Miss USA contestant! When Thomas mentions he’s a junior, she retorts “oh in high school?” Barbie agrees to jump in the pool with Shep but he loses interest when Bailey arrives. Like Shep says, “just because I came with you doesn’t mean I go home with you.” Eventually Shep takes Barbie and they “ruin the party” by jumping in the pool and splashing Patricia.
Craig asks TRav about Kathryn; she’s doing better apparently. Craig lets TRav know that femme fatale Jenny is telling Charleston that Thomas never came to the hospital.
Bailey asks Landon if she’s with Shep, and Landon’s like no we’ve been friends but nothing more, but Landon admits Shep’s banged all her friends. Shep and crew get their fortunes read, but I think all Shep is doing is checking out boobies.
Guess what y'all, Im a fortune teller too! I predict that tonight Shep’s Netflix and Chill is the fortune teller. I think Patricia rigged those cards, because really, Shep being stable?
Cooper gets Patricia and asks if they can still be friends and braid each other’s hair; he feared she was mad because he’s friend with Kathryn. To his face she’s all like oh we cool, we cool, but aside she’s like nope, you chose the redhead we’re done. Cooper thinks Pat doesn’t like Kathryn because she is like a younger version of Patricia. Patricia wants no gossiping or drama and so she leaves poor Truman Capote.
Finally the much-previewed scene of tipsy Cam fallng over after imagining Shep making love. Anyway, thanks to the 4,579 previews with this scene included I’m over it. Then Jennifer comes in with a flamingos headband. Or at least I think they’re flamingos; they look like bunny ears. Jennifer tries asking JD/Elizabeth about the 411 after she left polo, You know what, the cameras ARE starting to show Jennifer as a player of both sides here. Watch Survivor, Jennifer; people who play both sides always lose. Why is Thomas getting consoled by Landon? I thought they were friends, casual friends.
Thomas grabs bunny ears Jennifer and they talk. She’s like no I am not spreading lies, people get it all wrong. TRav claims he left early to get Kathryn some peace, and Im surprised Thomas is so concerned about his premature kid. I agree with Jennifer that TRav is causing the stress for Kathryn. They yell and everyone can hear. Jennider doesn’t want to wrestle with the TRav pig, but really I think when you’re Team Kathryn that happens. Jennifer accurately points out that she’s Kat’s only friend, and Thomas is a shitty human being.
Why is everyone so startled that Thomas in public resulted in drama? Really after three minutes you know this happens.
Jenny calls Kathy to give a report during the party, and Craig, Barbie and Danni watch her because we are all in junior high folks. Patricia most graciously kicks out Jennifer. Jenny leaves, having a cathartic moment of what life is like when you’re ostracized in Charleston society.
And the beat goes on. Come back next week for the annual tradition of Shep’s birthday!