Dance with the Elephant

Little did I realize that one of my first decisions as a newly-promoted manager would be to decide if I was going to be the nice girl who poured the coffee or the bit$% who refused to do so.

The pivotal moment happened on my second day in my new job. Looking forward to my first staff meeting as the first woman on the company’s management team, I settled into one of the comfy and big leather chairs around the conference room table.

Without looking up, one of male peers asked, "Hey Jane, I need a refill on this cup of coffee. Pour me one, would ya?"  Pete,* who was sitting next to the coffee carafe, chimed in with his request to get one for him, too. Sheesh. Not exactly the kind of participatory welcome I’d envisioned.

My brain was swirling. What to do, what to do? Will you be the dutiful good girl and serve coffee? Or will you stand your ground, buck the stereotype, and be called a bit$% behind your back?  Neither label was one I wanted. The meat-packing industry was male-dominated, so I knew this show-down was inevitable. I just hadn't figured it would happen so soon.

I stood up and walked to the back of the room to retrieve the coffee pot. My plan was set. Stepping in beside Pete, I casually sloshed coffee into his cup—and on his notepad. Not saying a word, I moved over to Bill's* side of the table, filling both his cup and the saucer with coffee.

"Jeez girl! You've got to be more careful next time," exclaimed Pete as he wiped off his notepad.

"Fellas, there won't be next time," I said with a smile and friendly tone of voice. "Given the union labor climate, we're very thoughtful about our past practices, so I see no reason to change each person continuing to get their own coffee especially since I make no claims about the accuracy of my pours. Agreed?"

They concurred, and I escaped without getting labeled.

At their most benign, stereotypes are an over-simplified mental shorthand that allows us to rapidly respond to situations we’ve encountered before (guys can fix anything, grandmas bake us cookies). But, at the other end of the continuum, stereotypes fuel narrow-mindedness. These fellows were caught in the gender stereotype quicksand of a women’s role being to take care.  They thought it only natural for me to be happy to provide them food and drink.

To begin shifting mindsets:

* Don’t perpetuate gender stereotypes by always being the party planner or meeting note-taker. Offer up rotating assignments and sharing duties equally between all genders.

* Be mindful of your own stereotypes and break the habit of playing into them especially if they are prejudicial against a race or gender.

* Be confident in your own abilities. Tactfully champion yourself and dance with the elephant in the room by tackling tough situations. Confidence is the best accessory a man or a woman can wear.

*Names changed to protect the innocent…or guilty. You decide!

Photo Credit, Image 2:  Cranky Fitness