Musicians Are Dirty, Disgusting, Germ-Bearing Degenerates

Have you seen the bathrooms at most rock clubs? Or the ones at your typical highway rest stops? Do they make you want to hold it until you get home? (Like this one from the now-closed, but iconic CBGBs in New York City. I've had to use this bathroom after a 13-hour road trip. And not only did it have no door, but it was exposed to anyone coming off the stage to the band area. A month after I was there, Rolling Stone called it the worst men's room in America. But I've seen worse in Toledo....)

Back to my point: Have you even considered the cleanliness of the back rooms at rock clubs? On the floors of vans? In the beds of the cheapest hotels in rural America?

These are the facilities used by touring musicians. These are the places we’ve showered, eaten, and slept.

By choice.

As evidence, if you’ve ever smelled the inside of a band van after a long tour, you have apparently been forced into cruel and unusual punishment. Body odor, rare showers, cigarettes, farting contests, no laundry, beer, and pizza vomit, all mix to cause confusion and disgust when the drug-sniffing dogs arrive.

Yeah, we’re dirty. We’re disgusting. We’re unwashed. We’re touring musicians. Well, at least that’s the impression a lot of people have....

Sure, maybe for the first time a musician goes on the road, he or she does everything according to the tired, hard living rock-and-roll clichés. Then, likely, pays a price for it afterwards. They get sick, they can’t function as well, they lose gigs or other musicians don’t want them around.

For a band to operate long-term on the road, it can’t afford to get sick. Members have to take care of themselves. Not all believe that alcohol will kill viral germs. Many musicians are vegetarians. The ones who tour the most find a great network of healthy food options near each gig. Strange to think, huh?

Well, it’s better than cancelling a weekend of gigs because the singer’s throat is toast.

So here are some tips I’ve learned on the road:
1.  Bring blankets. You never know if the only sleep you’ll get is in the van.
2.  At the first sign of a cold, Airborne-type meds actually work.
3.  Daily vitamins. Even if you’re bumming your kid brother’s Flintstones. Those extra vitamins can help.
4.  Switch out your drinks. A water between beers, or replace Jack and Coke with Jack and Ginger—ginger ale helps settle the stomach and avoid dehydration.
5.  If you get a hotel, don’t bring a UV light. Remember, even at the best hotels, the maids change the sheets, but have you ever seen them take out the comforter? Don’t think about it too long. I always take the comforter and put it on a chair.
6.  Bring a change of clothes for after a gig. You’re gonna get sweaty, tired, and possibly a little drunk. Body temp is gonna drop and your immune system is lower. Put on dry clothes for the rest of the night, and especially if driving home.
7.  For extreme safety, bring your own mics. The last guy who pressed his lips to that thing…… get it? Or if not your own mic, I’ve seen a  ton of people bring their own spritz bottle of alcohol, take off the mic screen and spray a little inside and outside the screen. They swear it kills the germs.
8.  Singers, bring Throat Coat on the road. If you feel your voice going, have the bar brew up some hot water on the coffeepot, and drop in the Throat Coat. It can help you make it through a night.

Some people get more extreme. I had a singer once who laid so much toilet paper on the seat before taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, he had to start bringing his own supply to assure he’d never be short. Another guy never pulled open a door unless his hand was inside his sleeve.

Whatever it takes to make it to the gig. Profits are very small at most gigs, so to lose a show to a cold, or to be sick on the night an A&R rep shows up, is not an option.

My friend Dan McCoy (www.mccoymusic.com) had these additional suggestions:
“- Bottled water is a MUST! It can be used for so many things. Not just keeping yourself hydrated. I've used bottled water to brush my teeth at rest areas. It comes in handy if the radiator overheats. What's that? The van broke down on I-90 in Indiana and you cut yourself on some jagged metal under the hood? Well use this bottle of water to rinse that out & get a band aid on there.

- Speaking of band-aids, a little first-aid kit ain't a bad idea either. It sounds all cub scouts/mom-like but you never know when goofy accidents are going to happen. I think that's why they call them "accidents.”

If any other band members have more suggestions, please add them here and include your band name so we can check you out.