Funkytown - Southern Charm 3, Episode 5 Recap

Welcome y'all! Today is the best day of the week, for we get to recap the show that Makes Maury Povich look like child’s play: Southern Charm!

This episode is brought to you by the one and only Shepistotle, aka Shepard Rose. There appears to be a theme of a Shep episode every season now, and I haven’t heard any complaints from young female (and male) fans. So off we go!

Thank you BravoTV gods for listening to my lament and reinstating morning routines, for now we all know a deep secret: remember how our parents taught we’re all the same since all men put pants on one leg at a time? Nah, screw that, when you’re the important TRav, you put them on TWO LEGS at a time! Damn I guess we are different huh? Proud of Whitney for making his own hot dog. You go boy!

Craig and Naomie are packing up to leave their parents’ home. But don’t feel bad children, because Naomie has a home in Mount Pleasant, so they’re good.

Craig tells Naomie that he started the drama at the flamingo party by stirring up TRav. BravoTV thanks you Craig, parties can’t be calm!

So Craig lays down his theory on Kathryn not being invited to flamingo land: you see, she, Whitney, and Shep slept with each other; Shep didn’t have feelings for Kathryn, but Whitney DID, so since Kathryn broke baby boy’s heart, mama has ostracized her.

Sounds like Craig is auditioning to write the next Jackie Collins novel if you ask me. Man, I am so glad Naomie loves Craig, because cameras would have caught me slapping him for wanting a woman to claim as a trophy.

Whitney calls Larissa, and it seems they’re having some issues due to their long-distance relationship. Too bad, I liked her. Cooper and Kathryn meet for lunch, and Kathryn reveals her faux-real Burkin purse. All about image don'tcha know! Girl, you know you wanted a real one.

Cooper, whom I love, seems to be exhibiting the classic Charleston “keep both sides happy by telling on the other” mentality and tells Kathryn how during the tacky flamingo party Patricia was like, its’ me or Kathryn. Yet he was begging Patricia to forgive him for being with Kathryn. I’ve learned this Cooper, you gotta pick a side and stick to it.

Patricia thought the party was great, and begs Whitney to shave. Whitney forgot he was a man and was like but mom why do I have to shave?  Patricia hates having a son who doesn’t look like the billionaire he is. Patricia tells Whitney about Cooper talking to her to make sure they’re still friends, and then the side interview quote of the night from Patricia: I hope he enjoyed the party, because he’s never invited to my house again. Dayum son. Haha Whitney wants us to think he’s been to the Playboy mansion. Sure, outside on the tourist bus.

Cooper warns Kathryn about the obvious: she can’t trust Jennifer so much. Remember y'all: this is the same woman who said to Kathryn’s face that she didn’t sleep with Thomas but later revealed she did while Kathryn was pregnant. Kathryn gets that, but she is desperate for a friend, and tells Cooper she’s trying to find out who her friends are. Girl, no one in downtown Charleston,

Shep and his new girlfriend Bailey meet at his house; there’s a photo of him he wants her to paint. And now, the scandal of the night, and man it was WOW. We know according to Cameran that Shep’s type is one-night stands, but Bailey can be different because she’s hip and unique. They haven’t been able to define their relationship, but apparently she can be DTF. (Note: Rose apologized for this quote after the episode aired).
 

Whitney and Landon go disco shopping, and Landon has a great idea: plan a birthday party for Shep! Good idea, except one thing: she plans a party based on her likes, skating and apparently no booze. Honeychild, you plan a party based on what the birthday person likes. I personally want to go to Whitney’s party for Shep: strip club. Yeah baby! And Whitney, women don’t want money tips from Shep, ok? They just want yours. Shep can go without alcohol, but again why would he? It’s his party and he’ll drink if he wants to!

Shep leaves home for the Palace Hotel (RIP) and finally my prayers are answered because my two favorite men in Charleston are on TV: Shep’s business partner Taylor and the awesome cook Joe!! Oh man, if you haven’t eaten Joe’s food your life sucks. Shep is doing manual labor and taking down chairs; you go boy! Cameran comes for lunch at Palace, and she tells Shep he will be her gopher, which I don’t think Shep likes.

Joe brings out the best food in the world and Shep gets happy for the 10K he can get from real estate. He even imagines using it on a girlfriend—what what WHAT?! Shep says he can see himself with Bailey, but gets pissed when Cameran mentions marriage.

Shep claims marriage sucks, but Cameran calls him out: he’s told Craig he wants a wife and TWO kids. Oh my lawd, children. He will freak out if it’s not done by his 40th, but then he doesn’t seem too worried, because he can pull a Strom Thurmond and have like 10 kids after 63. Until then, he’s swingin’ baby on that vine of sweet, sweet lustin’ and lovin’.

TRav supervises moving in his furniture, because unlike most of his life he doesn’t want this done half-assed. Kathryn is also moving in, and I don’t get why she’s so self-conscious her house isn’t like Thomas’ new one. Girl, no one compares to the Ravenel style and money. TRav is sad Kathryn can’t be there, but you know, he tried, he says. Kathryn is bitter and sad that the last two years of her life were wasted on a romance that everyone but her saw was wrong from the get-go. Well at least you have two children so help them be great people or something.

Craig and Naomie get all lovey and watch T.V. while eating ice cream. I love these two, it's so cute! Craig is happy that he is able to supervise, and work on hotel work. But he really wants to do the bourbon aspect. Calm down brother, prove yourself first. Naomie wants shiny things, and that don’t happen when you’re broke!

Kathryn comes to Danni’s house to catch up. Danni’s upset Kathryn hasn’t been talking to her, but she feels Danni wouldn’t want to be her friend. Danni tells the obvious: everyone is sensitive around her because of the last two years. They want stability and sanity apparently. She encourages Kathryn to reach out to Cameran first to get back into the group.

Landon goes to Thomas’ house. Landon tells Thomas about Shep’s party, and is surprised when he asks if Kathryn is coming. Landon all but says no, because for her Kathryn needs to come out and be nice to people.

I am confused. Everyone wants Kathryn to be nice and come out, but no one is inviting her anywhere. So if she were to say, go Rambo, and come on her own courtesy of BravoTV, well that instantly shoots down any chance of a happy event.

What’s the answer here people, move Kathryn to Venus? I am surprised BravoTV puts up with this; I guess it’s for ratings?

Landon attempts a weak chance of getting Thomas to back up her plan for a magazine; Thomas sees through it and is like nope, this aint one of your secret skills or something.

Now for the second surprise of the episode: Kathryn calls Cameran, the most open person on the show, to meet up and attempt amends. Cameran shoots that shit down like it’s a pregnancy. Kathryn is trying, but Cameran doesn’t want her in her life. I guess BravoTV is the only reason her number isn't blocked from Cameran’s phone.

I love Landon’ lipstick with her outfit! And I love Shep’s confession that as an almost-40-year-old man he’s finally doing the one thing that got kids’ asses kicked on Hilton Head: rollerskating. Losers, Hilton Head’s for skateboarding and golf only. I think Shep’s mad there’s no alcohol. Is this really an intervention? One has to wonder here. Poor Kathryn, tucked in bed.

Oh. My. God. Craig’s pants. He made the BeeGees’ pants look like boot-cut. Ah, ah, ah, ah, your pants are too tight, your pants are too tight! Amazingly Shep is sober and the first person to arrive for the party bus. He’s not a happy panda either boys and girls. Landon’s ‘like its all about you Shep,’ but the party is nothing he likes. Shep's worried Kathryn isn’t coming. He loves everyone, a modern-day Jesus. He wants everyone there including Kathryn. Everyone gets on board, and Craig freaks out because Bailey and Shep lip kiss. Oh boy. Landon drops the truth: Kathryn wasn’t invited.

Love how Shep wants to build a shrine to himself. LOL I wanna see that. This whole episode is redeemed by Whitney on skates, and Shep falling on his long-limbed ass. Take that skater-hater! Craig teases Landon with Shep and Bailey holding hands. Why is everyone freaking out that Shep may be in love? Hashtag: #newsheppy y'all!

Naomie asks Craig if Kahtyn is coming. Cameran admits that Kathryn asked to meet her, and she was like no ma'am. Kathryn needs to make amends to Patricia and Whitney. Cameran reminds Craig of Jekyll Island and I start to agree: I mean most people get arrested after asking people to fall on a knife. Then, Cameran loses me with her stupid head bobbing, peace-sign waving “I-don’t-give-a-shit” attitude. Did everyone forgot that two wrongs don’t make a right here?

It’s time for presents, and damn if Landon is not taking the knife and twisting it into her some more. Bailey skates up and hands Shep the painting she did, and Landon is startled when he says it’s the best ever present. I kinda want them to date just to piss off Landon. She is so freaked out when they act like soulmates. Dude, Landon, didn’t you introduce them?

Shep being Jesus calls Kathryn to make peace. Kathryn reveals to him that she NEVER heard from Landon; Landon’s busted when Kathryn mentions the email Thomas got. Shep gets pissed with Landon. Landon gets caught in a lie; remember Shep has de facto legal training—he can get shit out of you. She mentions a text that was likely never sent, and Shep tells everyone to take the high road and be friends. Landon is pissed that Kathryn ruined her happiness, but did she really?

One thing I know: I never want Shep to pissed at me. It seems to take a lot to get him to that point, so I am glad Im not Landon.

Come back next week, when we see the aftermath of Studio 54's demise.