The Bachelor Breakdown: Week 9

Your weekly breakdown of the most dramatic season ever.



Last week we left off with an unexpected visit from Nick’s first Bachelor franchise love, Andi Dorfman. Tonight we find out what the hell does she want?



The last time we saw Andi knocking on Nick’s hotel door she was arriving pre-final rose ceremony to dump Nick. As expected, Andi didn’t sweep in to profess her love or beg for Nick to take her back because he got hot. They just talked. Nick throws some shade on how Andi broke up with him so coldly on national television, but Andi throws it back that now Nick is the one dumping twenty-nine girls on national television when Nick replies “maybe thirty girls.”


Say what? Does he not feel secure enough to choose one of the four ladies or is he trying to tell Andi “Sup, I’m single”? Nick says he isn’t going to propose just because he’s the bachelor and he won’t just pick one because she’s the last one standing. Wow, Nick. It’s as if you’ve already been through this whole “better propose” situation before. Andi tells Nick if he isn’t feeling it with someone, then he shouldn’t do something he might regret. Whatever, I’m still team Andi and Nick.


Rose ceremony time!  Vanessa is crying because she doesn’t feel special. Well sorry, but you really aren’t because he’s still dating three other girls. Raven is flipping out because she didn’t tell Nick she loved him on her hometown date. Corinne is scared because her hometown went so well, but so could of everyone else’s. Rachel is nervous because she hasn’t opened up to him with any kind of emotion she’s feeling. Nick arrives to the four freezing girls on a rooftop patio. How are they getting clear audio with this wind?


At least they all have coats on this time. First rose, Raven. Second rose, Rachel. Third and final rose, Vanessa. OH MY GOD CORINNE IS GOING HOME. She starts this awkward ugly cry and you can totally tell it’s fake as hell. 


Nick kisses her forehead and puts her in the limo, where she starts “crying” yet has no tears. Suddenly she realizes her future career on Bachelor in Paradise, so she chugs some champagne and takes a nap.  See ya in paradise, Corinne!


Wheels up, the bachelor crew is heading to Finland. Random. Date one of the trip is with Raven and her disturbingly large toboggan. Why is it so tall? They head to the local pub to play some darts and take some shots. Cuddled up to the fire, Raven and Nick start rehashing her hometown date and Nick’s conversation with her parents. The conversation somehow ventures off to who will do the cooking and who will do the laundry.


CUTE! They head to dinner and after twenty minutes of babbling and stalling; Raven finally tells Nick she loves him, which I don’t know why because he is wearing the most embarrassing turtleneck in the history of turtlenecks. That’s a statement coming from a girl who can appreciate a good turtleneck once and awhile.  He genially smiles after she tells him those three words and I’ve said it before, I think he really likes her.  Nick gives Raven an invitation to the fantasy suite, and naturally, she accepts.


Bachelor newbies! Fantasy suites are overnight dates where you have complete privacy, no cameras or mics. Basically, it’s your only opportunity to see what dating this person is really like without like ten people following you around. Some former bachelorettes and bachelors express what happens in the suites (cough, cough, Nick), but others are pretty silent.  Raven has been pretty vocal about what she wants to happen in the fantasy suite, so we’ll see.


After Nick, Raven, and Nick’s turtleneck all head to the window ceiling fantasy suite, we learn that apparently, that’s it. Like the episode is over, not Raven and Nick’s relationship. ABC, did I miss the memo where tonight’s episode was only one hour long? Ugh.


Next week’s episode is literally THREE HOURS.

That’s my entire evening!


The episode will include fantasy suit dates with Rachel and Vanessa, as well as the infamous Women Tell All LIVE episode. I guess the three hours will be worth it to see some girls arguing about how much they still like Nick. See ya next week with a new Bachelor Breakdown!