Are You Gonna Get a Girlfriend Anytime Soon?

The Best Worst Guy You Know

I’ve been really struggling trying to write a blog entry, mostly because I’m afraid of coming off like an asshole. Which I may in fact be, and I’m just not so sure I want everyone to know that...


Then there’s that whole thing about writing about things you like, or things that you’re passionate about. And I really don’t like all that much. But basically, I’ve really been stressed over the material because I think it encourages bad behavior (please continue to the next paragraph for corroboration). Which is something I’m trying to work on.


So, therefore, furthermore, henceforth, it’s become increasingly difficult to write. Because I’m not so sure that I should write. But I figured I’d give it a shot, and to get my courage up I just took a bunch of Adderall that I stole from one of my buddy’s girlfriends. Yep, I can feel it now: MY CREATIVE SPARK(!)
So… One of the questions I’ve gotten this year is the same question I’ve gotten in previous years from friends, family, and other nemeses: “Are you going to get a girlfriend anytime soon?”

No. 1, please... Like I’d mess up a good thing (i.e. this blog, people). Two, I don’t even buy green bananas. Just why would I go about planning on a girlfriend?


Which is a response that typically precipitates the second most popular question asked of me: “Are you scared of commitment?” Um, no. Commitment is scared of ME. I will beat the shit out of commitment if it comes around.

And if only that were true. Because once the jokes are finished and the funnies cast to the side, I can tell you that what I want is no different from anyone else. And certainly no different from Andie MacDowell in “Groundhog Day.” Remember her answer?


1)      Career
2)      Love
3)      Marriage
4)      Children

It’s just that sometimes those five Double Standards from the Cocktail Club get in the way of smart life decisions. It’s sort of like I read in the Bible: The best of intentions often disappear because of house-infused serrano gin.

Know what else I read this week? There’s this rare set of giraffes making a comeback. Good for them. I’m glad they got their shit together. Because that, my friends, is inspiration. I think this is gonna be my year too. Might even get a girlfriend. Hell, I might even blog about it.