5 Handy Lies: Bringing Your Lover Home for the Holidays

It’s the holidays. Just as important as the question of what to get for your significant other is the question of when it’s time to bring him or her home for the family holiday, especially when it’s an overnight stay.

My advisory board of SYWM (Smart Young Women and Men) says there’s no consensus for when the time is right. They range from having parents who figured they were sleeping together anyway (so why not at home?) to parents who still haven’t faced the fact that their adult children may not be virgins. In between are those who use the first trip to the family as a litmus test of whether the lover is a keeper or a klinker.

With so much riding on that first introduction, I’m offering some help to make that first visit home go smoother.

FIVE WHITE LIES FOR THAT FIRST TRIP HOME WITH YOUR LOVER

1. Don’t talk about religion or politics. This is not the time for your lover to indict your parents for working for the man. It may feel like a lie, but this is the time for the charm offensive.

2. If your lover is a vegetarian, a vegan, or anything but airway-swelling allergic to what’s on the holiday table, tell them to keep quiet about it. They don’t have to eat the meat, just don’t make some announcement. In fact, this is another time that the white lie comes in handy. Whomever the cook is, this is the best meal your lover has ever had. Even if it’s takeout, it’s the best ever.

3. The most important lie? You’re not having sex. Even if you’re having sex, you’re telling your family that you aren’t. You’re too tired, too freaked out being down the hall from your parents, whatever. Now is the time for the little white lie that allows your family to believe that all you’re doing in that bedroom with the posters of your childhood idols is…sleeping.

4. You’re going to be quiet. Even if you normally howl at the moon during relations with your partner, no parent wants to overhear their little darling being violated, so if you are going to have sex, it’s going to be stealth sex.

5. You’re going to be helpful by doing laundry before you leave. Just throw the sheets in the washing machine. Tell your parents it’s because you’re mature enough now to be a good guest. Don’t tell them you’re washing away any evidence of hot monkey sex.

And try to remember that your parents are going through their own stuff. If you want to send them their own rules, go ahead!