Back at the bachelor pad, our gracious host Chris Harrison does his usual: say a cornball cliche, drop a date card on the table, and then back away from it like it’s a ticking time bomb. (Speaking of which, that would be great if they tried that sometime.) As usual, the double entendres are unbearable: “Love is a steady climb. —Emily.” Would it kill ABC to try something a little more direct like, “I’ve never been nailed in a harness. What say we scratch that one off the ol' bucket list? —Emily”?
The recipient of said one-on-one date is Captain Personality, Chris. He and Emily have to climb a rope, literally 75 feet, all the way to the top of the building with only 13 safety officers helping them every step of the way. Somehow, against all odds, they make it to the top. My favorite part of the climb, if you can call it that, is how Emily cites one of the things she likes most about Chris is the fact that he was there for her. Not to completely pick apart your analysis Emily, but where exactly was he going to go?
Meanwhile, back at Crybaby Headquarters, Tony is on the phone with his son:
TONY: “Hey buddy, how’s it goin? Do you miss Daddy at all?”
Okay, let’s play 7 cutdowns in 7 seconds:
TONY’S SON: “Who?”
“Do you miss being reassured by a 5-year-old at all?”
“Hey, that reminds me, did you give Emily my letter yet? She is so hot.”
“How did you get this number?”
“Daddy, please tell me you’re not using a tube of hair gel every day.”
“If you haven’t been crying on national television, then yes. Otherwise no.”
Back on the one-on-one date, after asking if he could kiss Emily during one of those painful hostage-at-gunpoint concerts ABC loves to throw in on the dates, Chris somehow manages to get a rose. Even though I think he’s boring and sucks, he gets points based on the fact that he’s not a complete dbag, like 90 percent of the other bachelors on this season.
(SIDE NOTE: I’m fairly certain I could write a top 10 country song. Work in something about a baby, work in the word ”baby,” mention a truck, a few dogs, a euphemism for a threesome, wrap it all up with “Dud’n ‘aaaaat turn yew on?” and you can just go ahead and engrave my name on the Grammy that I’ll be picking up while wearing a leather bracelet and my wife’s jeans.)
This week’s group date is more like group torture. The guys are subjected to a bunch of filthy screaming kids and annoying questions/sexual advances from Emily’s closest friends. After 30 seconds two things are abundantly clear:
- Emily’s dates are getting increasingly boring.
- Emily apparently subscribes to the “surround yourself with a bunch of 4s” theory.
The women toss all sorts of hard-hitting questions at the guys like, “What do you feel like you have in common with her?” and “If you took her on a date what would you do?” Somehow the men survive this Spanish Inquisition and go on their merry ways. Except for Sean the insurance salesman, who I was almost 100% certain Emily’s married friend Wendy was going to try to fuck right there on the table. I hope he at least got a policy or two out of her.
A few takeaways from the group date: Ryan is a complete dipshit. He confirmed this with his comment that I’m sure most guys are thinking but never stupid enough to actually say, and that, to paraphrase is: “If you get fat I’ll probably love you a little less.” Though I admire his honesty, I’m pretty sure he hung himself with that one. Or solidified his spot in the final three. Only time will tell. Remember, this is the same woman that fell in love with Brad Womack.
The date concludes with Emily saying something she’s only said 48 other times in the history of the entire show: “This was one of my favorite dates.”
Somewhere off to the side Tony is crying. And crying. And just for good measure, topping it all off with a little more crying. Change of subject and not my proudest confession: I’m a Jef fan. Yes, even though he has stupid hair and is missing an F, I can’t help but like the guy.
Anyway, back to Tony: After much whining Emily mercifully sends him home. Although I’m not entirely sure Tony knew this was happening until he was actually in the limo being driven to the airport. In the moments before the rose ceremony Emily gives Sean the God-fearing insurance salesmen with the perfectly built/shaved chest a rose for surviving Hurricane Wendy. PRAISE JESUS!
The second one-on-one date is with Arie and it answers several burning questions, such as, “Is Emily turned off by the fact that Arie is a race car driver?” (No) and “How does one come up with a shittier date than flying to West Virginia?” (Take them to Dollywood!)
Much like Jef who is still looking for the other F, Arie seems like a nice guy. Which means he will probably … Emily’s boobs.
Sorry about that. Anyway, as I was saying, Arie seems like a perfect match, which means she’ll probably cut him next week. Meanwhile Dolly Parton gets wind that some highfalutin’ bitch is trying to outboob her at her own theme park (the nerve) so she comes out in an even tighter top and sings a song to Emily as if to say, “There’s only room for one rack on this stage, sister.”
After that score is settled, Emily is free to screw with Arie and make him think she’s not going to give him a rose, showing us she’s not a complete square. Arie, meanwhile, shows us he’s not Don Draper by deciding to not beat the crap out her for pulling that kind of shit. Arie gets a rose, they dry hump each other, blah, blah, blah.
After the date is over everybody finds themselves back at the bachelor pad, where Kalon decides to charm Emily with his non-prescription glasses and loafers without socks along with a little charming condescension mixed in. Meanwhile Travis allows Emily to smash his ostrich egg along with what little personality he had. And finally, Alessandro learns the hard way that women don’t get all moist when you tell them you’re willing to “compromise” on the fact that they have a kid and that you will agree to date them anyway.
When all’s said and done, Kalon miraculously dodges yet another bullet and Stevie gets eliminated. But not without doing a little marketing by slipping Emily a card while explaining that his DJ fee is “very reasonable” should she (or Wendy) be looking to “par-tay.” (OK, I made that up. He actually slipped her the tongue. After Roofie-ing her.)
Please come back next week when we break down what appears to be (based on the 60-second preview) the gang visiting one of the more exotic beaches in Charlotte, lots of kissing, campfires, boats, air horns, sailing, and of course more of Ryan being a dick.
Now that I think about it, I’m almost certain she’s going to pick him.