It is time. Time for me to debate the Chosen One… the One who has all the answers, and seeks to “fundamentally transform” America. And “for the first time in my adult life, I’m proud of my country” (FLOTUS) for allowing me the opportunity to trade barbs with the smartest President ever in the Universe. The President will speak in bold out of respect for his bold ideas, and I will retort in regular type because I’m a regular schmoe who’d like the government to protect our borders, pick up the trash, and leave me alone. Our debate shall be based on his recent teleprompterless speech, when he actually spoke his mind.
“If you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. You didn’t get there on your own..."
I agree, except for the occasional silly little success story like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Jimmy Carter, Chris Rock, Martin Luther King, Dan Rather, Michael Moore, George Soros, and Ted Turner. And that’s just a micro-list of flaming liberals who made it completely on their own. But, but, but—someone helped them get there! Sure, just like Lance Armstrong’s coach helped him. But if you’ll notice, Lance’s coach wasn’t alongside Lance peddling up the Alps, an event so painful that most bikers throw up while doing it. But, but, but…
"I’m always struck by people who think, 'well, it must be because I was just so smart.'"
As opposed to stupid? Let me offer “the man who’s never signed the front of a paycheck” a little hint: You have to be smart to be successful in business. You think the guy who invented the Pet Rock was stupid? Then why don’t you try coming up with an idea, test marketing it, gambling on the cost of packaging, hiring the people to put the stupid rock in the box, negotiating for the shelf space in the stores, finding a company to ship the product, paying the fees to a media relations company to fan the flames of the idea, and promising your house to the bank in case it all goes South.
"There are a lot of smart people out there."
No there aren’t. That’s why 99% of us bitch so much.
"It must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Let me tell you something—there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there."
True. Hardworking people who bust their asses 9 to 5, with payday coming consistently every couple weeks. But when you create your own business, who writes your paycheck? What if the last two weeks were slow? Who gets shorted? The business owner, or the employees? I asked a CPA buddy of mine for the answer to the great business secret: What is the job that pays really well, but isn’t that stressful? He said, “If that job existed, don’t you think I’d be doing it myself?”
"If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help."
The Marines who took Iwo Jima spring to my mind.
"There was a great teacher somewhere in your life."
Or maybe the parents raising you, who weren’t paid for their efforts.
"Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges."
We agree here, Mr. President. What have you done to create this unbelievable American System? Started a business? Served in the military? Taught school in the inner city? Carried a lunch pail to the ass-busting job of building roads and bridges? Worked your way through college without scholarships? Served in the Peace Corps? And—as a matter of course—I also want to know who the “somebody” is that invested in roads and bridges. Would that “somebody” be you and your fellow sycophantic, obsequious, vapid, ridiculous political buddies on the left and right—who taxed that money out of us and decided where you would spend it?
"If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen."
Somebody else made that happen. Huh. I’ll bet there a lot of disgruntled, self-entitled employees out there that feel that exact way about their boss, because—Hey, waaaaait a minute. There are 1,000 times more employees than business owners. You couldn’t be pitting the Proletariat against the Bourgeoisie, could you? Nah, not when living in this unbelievable American system.
“The Internet didn’t get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet.”
Paging President Moron. President Moron. You’re wanted in the extra help study hall. Why? Because a) Al Gore invented the Internet and b) before Al Gore invented it, governmental involvement in the Internet was strictly aimed at ensuring we could keep blowing stuff up when everything was blown up. If you think the Internet was invented so that all companies could make money off the Internet, your ignorance is succeeded only by your lack of talent speaking without a teleprompter.
So, there it is. Our debate is concluded for the minute. Who won?