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Hey Facebook: Enough With the Babies, Bring Back the Babes!

Author: 
Nate Anderson
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When Facebook first came to campus, it spread like wildfire. Grades dropped considerably that semester; instead of studying, we sent friend requests, changed our profile picture, and "poked" people. Now, even my parents—who have yet to learn how to text, still have hotmail accounts, and refer to anything online as "the Internets"—have Facebook accounts.

 

Times have most definitely changed. And the more I scroll down my timeline, the older I feel. This is especially true during this, most, awesome time to be young and on Facebook: Halloween.

 

Halloween for anyone ages 18 to 25 is one of the best times of the year. There are costume parties and funny pranks, and costume parties, and pumpkin shit everywhere and costume parties. Honestly, it's really all about dressing up like an idiot and going to places filled with other people dressed up as idiots. I recall watching a six-foot-two Elmo wrestle Jack Sparrow outside a bar for 10 solid minutes. Eventually, Elmo ran out of gas and either passed out or decided the curb outside of Hal and Mal's was a good place to take a nap.

 

 

Not only do guys get their once-a-year chance to not only be belligerently drunk, and do it in ridiculous costumes, the young ladies get to dress up, or "down" as it usually is. That was one of the best parts of scrolling through Facebook during and immediately after Halloween—the girl's costumes. There was the naughty bumblebee, the naughty nurse, the naughty whatever—with enough clever tailor work, you can make anything into a "naughty" costume. You really got to see the "creativity" of some of the girls out there. Today is no different. Although the characters emulated have gone from Jack Sparrow to Walter White in yellow Hazmat coveralls, the naughty bees and nurses are all still there...

 

... Just not on my newsfeed.

 

On my newsfeed there are pictures of babies.

 

Babies and babies and babies with a few weddings sprinkled in there just for giggles. I didn't know I was Facebook friends with so many babies. What I've found is, my Facebook account ages with me.

 

Being from the South, there is this instinctual need to get married as young as possible and then immediately start a family. Not that this is wrong by any means, it just makes my Facebook experience pretty boring, especially around Halloween. I want to see Elmo drop the people's elbow again. I want to see how many things can be turned "naughty." I want to see a gorilla holding a martini glass talking to Where's Waldo.

 

As I push all the babies and weddings on my newsfeed to the back of my head and get my tutu, combat boots and hair gel ready for my appearance as Ace Venture, Pet Detective,

 

 

I remember, my best friend, is a doctor. A real one. He saved a guy's life the other day. In a hospital.

 

Now the tutu really does look stupid. Maybe I have to accept the fact that I'm getting older and people my age don't really go as crazy as they used to for Halloween because they're married and are all having kids. I see Facebook picture-happy girls who are married driving Tahoes full of car seats that only a few years ago could have made a sailor blush with not only their Halloween costume but with the fact that they could drink that sailor under the table.

 

I guess until I join the ranks of the married, I'll be that guy who still goes really, really hard on Halloween.

 

Cover Photo credits: VH1 (baby) & Flickr (girls)