Passion
Noun: Strong and barely controllable emotion. A state or outburst of such emotion.
A while back I wrote "So I Called a Dead Man's Cell Phone Last Night." The owner of the cell phone? My father. I find satirical humor in the fact that a death that affected me so little could springboard me to rungs on a ladder I thought were way out of reach.
His was a lonely life, lit by the glow of a computer screen and keyboard. Smoke rings circled in dark rooms absent of life except for the lonely beat of one heart. Sometimes loneliness can be the loudest sound in a room. Regrets, children, wives, jobs, successes, and failures all drowned out by the pounding of the typewriter keys. Boxes filled with ponderings, writings, and research tapped out on onion paper with a 50-year-old manual Smith Corona typewriter now gather green hues of mold in a musty shed corner. It's what he did, albeit without vision, but it was his passion. He definitely had what is described in passion's definition as "A strong and barely controllable emotion." What he didn't have was the second part of that definition: "A state or outburst of such emotion." He didn't voice what he typed out loud. He expressed himself only in selfish silence.
I have searched my soul to see if the mirror turned inward. Oh yes, there he is, right here in my life—hell, in my room! There's that briefcase in the corner with a novella written 15 years ago, saved on a floppy disc. Reams of paper, edges yellowing, sit, waiting to be sent to publishers to be filled with ink and passion. I hid behind screens with a two-year-old profile pic and typed out to thin air. I fed only the glowing monitor screen and blinking cursor. I didn't share. I poured my heart out on the screen and I let it go.
I'm learning now that passion is what you shout out loud with your life. It doesn't necessarily mean people are going to like your spillage, but it is how people will identify with you. Everyone has a different way of expressing themselves—through brushes, design, anatomy, dance, architecture, music. Others are wonderful verbal communicators. And others yet express their passion through their children, families, community services, or their sports. Whichever way we choose, it is imperative to the soul to get it out.
