Ready to Be a Celebrity? Let's Do It

I was watching Good Morning America recently, and they were talking about how they are going to do a special interview with "shocking" new detailed information on a very mainstream, much-talked about celebrity. Of course, I’m a little sick of all the attention given to celebrities and athletes, particularly when what this country really needs to remain great is 180 degrees in the opposite direction of sensationalism and fame. We need people who are well-educated—people who have a knowledge of history, geography, math, science, people who know how to utilize their reasoning and logic to make the right decisions. Some celebrities fit this criteria, sure. But come on... this isn't really how these people are making news.

In the meantime, I've decided to take an easier route and... you guessed it: I'm going to become a celebrity.

First, I’m going to go unshaven. That way I can always look scruffy and prove I have testosterone. This is important to attract admirers.

Should I need to wear a tie, I’ll have to keep the collar open. I have to keep in mind that celebrities are above convention. Therefore etiquette, social norms, and laws that apply to society as a whole are to be ignored, or even better, trampled upon.

Next, I’m changing my name to something like Aoncey Bohan. Not certain if that’s feminine or masculine gender but all the better—perhaps people will wonder if I’m an hermaphrodite.      

Then, I’ll get some publicity by announcing any or all of the following:  I’m coming out, developing a baby bump, lifting an item from a jewelry store, having an affair with our cleaning lady, or crashing my car.

Finally I’ll get more publicity, sympathy, and forgiveness by going to rehab.

Of course, I have to get an interview on TV so I’ll  travel to Africa or Haiti and be videotaped playing with happy, but impoverished children.

I could also write a book about how I overcame deplorable childhood conditions to rise to stardom and then go on TV to talk about myself.

I haven’t really been sexually or physically abused in my childhood, so I’ll have to talk about the time I was unfairly ticketed for speeding—it’s definitely not fair if the trooper is hiding behind a hill. 

I can also have a bodyguard with whom I am destined to fall in love.

Oh yes, the talent part—I definitely know I can curl my tongue into the shape of a Taco. I can also wiggle my ears and raise one eyebrow. That should do it.