Let’s get it started yall! Welcome back to another week of recapping the one show that makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside: Southern Charm!
The junkyard gang’s weekly wake up routine is boring, with the notable exception of Whitney, who gifts his mother, the Queen Bee Patricia, a new grand baby!! But before you go singing the praises of science, it’s a dog. But as Patricia says, she’ll take it!
Craig goes to Kathryn’s house to check in on the holy child. Surpisingly, Kathryn thinks having two kids isn’t hard, probably because T-Rav is actually in the kids’ lives. Kathryn mistakes T-Rav’s happiness over having an heir with her way to get a nice family and the name Ravenel. Girl, I love you, but let that fantasy go.
Kathryn, I don't think you'll be getting that ring any time soon.
T-Rav and JD meet at Sermets, and he lets JD know he doesn’t appreciate his bros telling him to get a DNA test. He’s seeing the old sweet Kathryn he loves come out, so don’t ruin his parade bros. JD still wants T-Rav to go on Maury to clear the air over paternity. T-Rav is hosting a dinner party to celebrate his child, and to re-invite Kathryn to the group. But Whitney and Patricia aren’t invited. Small moves is likely T-Rav’s plan.
Landon meets her sister, and tells her that the meeting with Lockhart wasn’t a success. She says she doesn’t know how to program a website. Me neither girl, it’s called Wordpress.
Landon reveals that she’s just been an aimless drifter these past few years ever since the divorce, and little sister kicks her ass in its place. She reminds Landon that there are these magical contraptions called jobs, where you can earn money and security. Landon’s look is how I feel when my parents tell me I need kids now: Hell no! But I mean can you have a real job and be on TV? I don’t know, but according to Craig the answer is no.
Landon feels like she’s left behind, because she has nothing. Everything has come easy, and now it’s hard and stuff. Then she just oh so casually mentions she professed love to Shep and her sister is like whaaaa?!
Same time, Shep is meeting Cameran, tells her about Landon’s deep thoughts confession, and Cameran was like yeah I know, the whole world does actually bro, I’ve been telling you this, it’s pretty damn obvious. I love this whole rom-com setting, where both parties are talking about this event at the same time. It’s so painful when it’s real life, you feel bad for Landon and Shep. Shep is still Landon’s BFF, but has she messed that up?
Meanwhile Shep mentions to Cameran how he was speechless, the worst thing that a guy can do in Cameran’s eyes. Landon tells Shep he’s her BFF, and isn’t that what you need to be in a relationship? Meanwhile Landon’s sister is the bomb: she’s like just get the hell crunked and do the deed. Landon’s like no ma'am I ain’t going there. Again the sister is awesome sauce: her look when she learns he’s 36 is awesome.
Shep explains the secret: when Landon came home from L.A. he pulled her in a closet and made out a-la 6th grade. Please tell me retainers and spin the bottle were involved guys, please! According to Shep women love this. I’m not sure about this theory, but will let him go on. Meanwhile, Landon’s best sister ever keeps pushing on about sex with Shep. Until you take the car out for a test drive you can’t buy it Landon; girl code! Cameran tells shep to give landon a shot. We’ll see.
T-Rav goes to Kathryn’s house on a natural high off life. T-Rav tells Kathryn about the dinner party. She thanks Thomas for not inviting Whitney and Patricia, but is surprised Landon is invited. Thomas loves Landon’s company and smile; yeah right. Kathryn pushes back, because T-Rav won’t let Landon go. Kathryn won’t go if Landon goes, and T-Rav gets all junior high girl-like with her. You gotta wonder like with Whitney and Kathryn, why T-Rav gets so defensive if Landon can’t go to the party? Is it Bravo, or is it him? He threatens to cancel the dinner, and gets all upset.
Who else loved it when T-Rav jumps out that window? Man is limber for a mid-50 year old. I have to be honest, Kathryn was mature for her in this situation. She says she’s not friends with Landon, but will let her come and stand by T-Rav’s decision to support him. Wow, can these two actually be adults at the same time?
Cameran goes to Craig’s house and ne notices her new bling from the hubby. She admits to Craig that she went to a therapist for her nondesire to procreate. Then, Craig says what we’ve all thought this whole time—why did you marry him then? Cameran admits she told her husband before getting engaged that she didn’t want kids; Craig suspects he was going to change her mind. Sure, ok, we’ll see. Cameran says she is hesitant to attend T-Rav’s party because with him and Kathryn you don’t know what to expect and it’s stressful.
Craig thinks she’s changed and he only sees the responsible Kathryn now. He plays Cameran like a Stradavarius violin, and gets her to join. Craig, please take the bar; a true Matlock in the making.
Kathryn and Cooper go shopping for the party, and Jennifer calls. Kathryn admits she’s been ignoring Jennifer because T-Rav really doesn’t want her in their lives anymore. Why does T-Rav get to choose friends for another adult? But editing doesn’t really paint Jennifer in a fabulous light, so I don’t know.
Landon meets Patricia and it’s weird how they dressed alike. Patricia heard Shep and her were dating, and Landon shoots it down. She’s hung up on shep’s laughing reply, poor girl. Patricia is the best advice giver ever. She tells Landon to buck up, don’t give men satisfaction over your pain, and get a makeover. Best line ever: women today look like they’ve been shot out of cannons. Lol! Love how she wants Landon to go out with Thomas, but it’s true when you have to put up with Kathryn forever. Gotta think it through girl.
Shep goes to Hilton Head, and in comes the best person on the show: Shep’s mom!! My world is complete. Mom loves having three granddaughters, but admits that is all she will have unless someone else in the family cranks it up; she quickly mentions it won’t be Shep. Dayum son, score one for Mama!!
Shep tells Mama about his breakup with Bailey, and she tells him it’s ok. Shep tells Mama he wants someone to just blend in with his family and Mom hopes so too. Mama believes he will find someone; go Mom!! Then Shep tells Mama about Landon; Mom is shocked, but she too is on the try it out see and team. Shep starts to wonder if he has missed something all these years. As he puts it Landon would be perfect for him. So what the Hell are you waiting for son, do it!!
Dinner parties are fun!
Finally, the only thing fans care about this year: the notorious dinner party. Everyone arrives, and Shep reminds us that a T-Rav party is like a box of chocolates: you don’t know what to get. I love Kathryn’s shade when JD asks what’s been happening: well I, uh, had a child. Go Kathryn! T-Rav gives us a tour of his house; in other words he’s proving to the peasants he’s better than us all.
Landon comes in and Kathryn’s side roll in her interview makes my life. Shep refuses to be awkward with Landon; Landon chills out with alcohol. Cooper asks Kathryn to meet Landon, reminding her to be the higher person. I guess it’s ok to see T-Rav and Kathryn smoking on TV. I mean it’s 2016.
You gotta feel for these people; I would have wanted food before a T-Rav smackdown. But nah T-Rav is the hostess with the mostest. T-Rav thanks his guests for their attendance, but he’s gotta vent yo.
I am scared yall, T-Rav opens up with West Side Story. Does he not remember the lovebirds do NOT end up tofether in that one? He’s proud of Kathryn and her skills. He’s optimistic for their future. But man Cameran, you’re self-righteous and judgemental, and—today’s SAT word—sanctimonious. Cameran, I don’t thnk T-Rav wanted you there, Bravo did. BravoTV does not equal friendship.
Shep is mad that Craig gets off easy, but T-Rav is like a bloody tank who will crush you all peasants. T-Rav tells shep to stop chasing anyone with a vagina and go for Landon. I mean he thinks she’s a rusty rock, but what else you gonna get Shep? #TRavlessons
Thomas calls Landon catty, and everyone gives up on class. I don’t agree with Akim; Craig wants to do law just look at him mediating. Landon says Kathryn’s everything, and she nothing. But Shep steps in and takes all the heat. It’s T-Rav’s fault for the Landon/Kathryn mess because he’s flirted with Landon and started all this heat.
Then shit hits the fan: T-Rav accuses Shep’s mom of giving him money since he’s a self-made man unlike Shep. He calls Shep a p*ssy, and Shep goes all middle school and says you are what you eat. Love it! Everyone wants to leave, and T-Rav is adamant that he is being nice, y'all, namaste.
Shep tells T-Rav he’s not scared of him because T-Rav is less than him, and T-Rav wants to meet him outside. We’re kicking it old school everyone, all the way back to 4th grade!! I can’t picture Shep fighting, can you?
Everyone goes outside and Cooper tries to calm T-Rav down. Why is he so upset that Shep went to boarding school again? Cooper reminds T-Rav that he’s Charleston Royalty, but it’s no use: everything has melted down beyond repair. Landon tells Thomas they’re done, and Kathryn is like good. Then she and Landon go at it, with Landon calling Kathryn trash, Kathryn calling Landon a dolphin, and both women wanting to scratch eachother's eyes out. Everyone leaves, T-Rav runs out to the gate and corners everyone on Landon’s golf cart, and she speeds out almost wrecking vehicles. Damn, that’s harsh.
Well, folks tune in next week for one more time as we join the junkyard gang. I’m sad this season’s over, are you?