CofC Battle Of The Bands: And the Big Winner Is...

I can predict the winner of just about every Battle Of The Bands.

That’s right. I’m telling you that I am that good. Seriously. Just meet me outside any Battle of the Bands before it begins and for $20, I will tell you exactly who will be the big winner that night. Or save yourself the $20 and read further for my bold prediction. Before I turn it into an infomercial. (I’ve written and produced one infomercial with four test market versions. It was for a Sears Optical healthcare product and did not involve Chuck Norris. Epic fail on my part, but a big money maker nonetheless).

This past weekend, I was a judge for the College of Charleston Battle of The Bands at the Music Farm. As a band member, I never liked these things. Lots of work for no pay makes Johnny a rotten boy. (Fans of the Sex Pistols get the joke here. If you don’t get it, please nod like you’re young and hip to rock history. Or an old rocker. Or you’re old and have a bad hip.)

There may be too many nightmare stories to tell you about my gigs. So I’ll just describe this latest Battle, and hopefully key you in to the winner.

Months before the gig, the organizers put the word out to College of Charleston bands that they could apply for a chance to compete on the Music Farm stage. The winner gets ……… Da-da-da Dummmm!!!...…. bragging rights as the Best Band.

Most bands who try to book gigs at the Music Farm never get a call back. Or if they get a show, it is as an opener for a famous band with $15 ticket prices, which their friends won’t pay. So a gig at the Music Farm on a Saturday night is pretty desirable. I don’t know how many bands signed up, or for that matter, how many people with guitars tried to put together a band just to play the Music Farm.

Whatever criteria were used to cull the list of applicants, five bands were chosen to play the venue, and the lineup was set weeks in advance. Posters were made and presumably appeared all over the College of Charleston and downtown. Five bands. Only five bucks. Music Farm. A Facebook page was made for the CofC Music Farm Battle of the bands. Over 4,000 people were invited through the Facebook page to get to the Farm on January 12.

Each band was asked to promote the event to their fans. The most popular of the bands, Stop Light Observations, has over 17,000 likes on their Facebook page. Tyler Boone has 4,000 friends. Donnie Dies has 300 friends. Tom Mackell has 1,100 friends. South Street has 650 likes. In other words, if every band did their job, over 22,000 people around the world had a chance to know that the Music Farm was hosting this event.

The promoters did a solid job of getting local people of fame to judge: Parker Gins, Crowfield drummer; Joel Frank, the Bridge; South Carolina Music Guide editors; Charles Carmody of the Music Hall; and others. So if anyone follows those people on Facebook, those friends and followers also got word of this event.

It all seemed to work. On the night of the event, at least 400 people paid $5 apiece to get in. Reportedly, the door charge went to a charity for cancer research. So $2,000 was raised for a good cause.

Now here is a little club secret: whatever a person spends at the door, they spend five times as much at the bar. That was a formula I used to use at clubs in the upper Midwest in the '90s. I’m told that figure has dropped and is even less in Charleston where the crowd is younger and has a higher ratio of women. So let’s say it is three times what a person pays at the door—they break a $20 for the cover charge and spend the other $15 at the bar on average. Using that formula, let’s guess $2,000 for cancer research and another $6,000 to the Music Farm.

At the end of the night, five bands and one promoter were able to get 400 young people to part with over $8,000 of disposable income. While in the club, the audience was not always into every band. Some had never even been to the Music Farm before. So their eyes wandered to all the posters on the walls for other shows coming to the Farm. People made plans to come back for one of these gigs.

Bands practiced for hours in preparation, bought new strings, paid for parking, and traveled some distances to perform there. None got paid for their work to promote the Music Farm. The promoter didn’t even get paid to promote the Music Farm show.

Five bands played through the Farm’s great sound system, and enjoyed a pro-quality light show. Everyone who came to the show seemed to enjoy it. When you present a night with no fights, good sound, fun times, and energy, people leave with a feeling that they’d come back to the Music Farm for another show, even if they didn’t enjoy a single band. 

As of this writing, which is 8 a.m. on Monday, there has not been an announcement of which band won the CofC Battle of the Bands at the Music Farm. But you might guess who I would cite as the overall winner. I hope by now it's obvious. (The Music Farm.)

I’m always scratching my head as to why bands and promoters will strive so hard to make a lot of money for a club and ask for no compensation in return. How much could everyone have made if the gig was for profit? At least something. Heck, the cost of strings, gas money, parking, and maybe a meal.

Perhaps I’m jaded from years of being asked to play free gigs for some cause, battle, charity, opportunity, etc. I’ve been invited to donate my talents, supplies, gas, time with family, money for strings, practice time, etc in return for…. well, usually nothing much.

 So I’ve come up with a form letter for every time I get asked to play for free:

Dear Booking Agent/ Promoter/ Bar,

I am so thrilled you’ve invited me to bring my best musical talents to your club. To practice and hone my skills for hours, replace old strings, and take time away from my job, girlfriend, and family, in order to raise money for your benefit, open for a national act, help your business. It is great to be able to feel good about providing such a service free of charge to you.

However, that night we are unable to attend because we are hosting another event and would like you to participate. It’s a Battle of the Bars / Serve The Me Charity event. You and several other bars are invited to my apartment that night to serve drinks to my band and my friends. This is scheduled to be from 9pm until midnight, but may run longer. The bar that provides the best service and drinks will win. Extra props if your staff is really hot and your bar food is edible. We cannot pay you for this event, but you will receive great exposure because I will invite all my friends and they may tell their friends how cool you are.

We look forward to seeing you that night and may the best bar win!

Sincerely,

Not that desperate for a gig.

Now, you might ask why I agreed to be a judge if I despise these things that much? I do love live music. I do want to see who is up and coming. But really, it was for the free drinks and food. The promise of bribes. Sweet, sweet bribes. Payola. It’s what makes the rock-and-roll world go 'round.

But I paid for my own parking. I bought my own pints. No food. No bribes. Not a single freaking bribe! Doesn’t anyone know what Payola is? Not only that, but I posted a note on Facebook that I was going to the Music Farm to judge. Dang, all four of my followers saw the advertisement. Yup, they got me too. Even as a judge I fell into the same trap.

Well played, CofC Battle Of The Bands at the Music Farm. Well played. I’ll be back.

By the way, I thought Stop Light Observations was head and shoulders above the rest.