THE #BachelorBreakdown: WEEK 5

THE #BachelorBreakdown: WEEK 5

Your weekly breakdown of the most dramatic season ever.


Tonight on The Bachelor: Good vs. Evil, David vs. Goliath, Kanye vs. TSwift, Corinne vs. Taylor.

We left off with some dramatic b-roll and lots of feelings being hurt during the cocktail portion of the rose ceremony. Taylor and Corinne’s argument continues for what feels like forever, and Taylor’s eyebrows say it all. Will this ever end? Corinne steals Nick for a sec and begins the typical tattletale of a girl whose BS just called out.

Rose ceremony time! Keep in mind this is taking place in a barn that’s outside during the fall in Wisconsin. Nick, please pick the girls that are wearing coats. They are obviously the smart ones.

Roses go out to Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Left Shark (Alexis?), Corinne, and Taylor. Danielle L., Raven and Kristina had roses from their previous dates, which means Sarah and Astrid are gone. Every week I find another girl I like the best, then he sends her home. Sorry Sarah, you should have worn a coat!

And now they’re off to NOLA! The land where you can say “I do declare” after everything and it's perfectly acceptable.

*Sidenote: rumor has it, instead of that luxurious trip to Wisconsin that the bachelor squad went on, they were actually suppose to be traveling to Kiawah Island! Thanks to Hurricane Matthew, that trip was cancelled. Can you image how exciting it would have been seeing the crew out and about in downtown Charleston? Just me? Ok.

The girls arrive at their downtown pent house where they begin freaking out. It’s a Marriott, control yourselves. Chris Harrison shows up to give them the 411 on how their time in the Big Easy will go down. There will be three dates this week; a group date, a one-on-one date, and a two-on-one date aka the death date. In case you’re new to the game, two-on-one dates don’t end well for someone. Or in previous seasons, don't end well for both someones.

Rachel gets the one-on-one date. She also received the first impression rose on night one, so there’s obviously something there.

Their date starts off at the French Market in downtown New Orleans. Nick claims this is going to be a super chill date of buying cheesy gifts, eating oysters, trips to Café Du monde, which I’m assuming they skipped the hour-long line to get seated because that place is always hella busy, and some random dancing on Bourbon Street.

As Nick and Rachel are dancing away to the live music, the other girls are actually watching from the hotel window. Awkward. Some think it’s cute, others not so much.

Nick and Rachel’s evening portion of the date is actually pretty cool. They go to this abandoned looking warehouse of old Mardi Gras floats/decorations. I mean I don’t know if I’d actually enjoy having dinner there, but it’s still something cool to see. 

Rachel opens up to Nick about her family, and Nick reciprocates with about how hard it was to ask two fathers for their daughters (Andi and Kaitlyn’s) hand in marriage and end up with neither of them. How will he be able to do that again? 

Regardless of the serious talk that’s happening, Nick is into Rachel. So much, that he breaks some ABC Bach rules and tells her. Potential wedding bells I hear, because I think Rachel might be in love.

Next date card is the group date. Josephine, Raven, Jaimi, Kristina, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Danielle L., and Jasmine. Honestly, after reading back over these names, I couldn’t even tell you which one Whitney is. Don’t tell me y’all aren’t thinking the same thing.

Uh oh. That means Corinne and Taylor are the two-on-one dates.

The group date heads out to this beautiful mansion of oak trees and Spanish moss and oh, apparently ghosts. It’s one of the most haunted houses in Louisiana. Uhh, BOY BYE.

We’re now in this haunted house where the caretaker, Boo, is not only giving them the lowdown on the ghost in the house, May, but also giving them bottomless mint juleps. 

Alcohol and ghosts, a great combination.  Some of the girls claim they aren’t into ghost stories, while others flat out don’t mess around with this stuff. I hear ya, girl. They’re all huddled around on the floor when one of the girls miraculously pulls an Ouija board out from under a chair. How’d that get there? Probably the evil spirit of the house, Corinne, I mean May.

The girls begin asking May questions like “Are you here” and “Will Nick get engaged”. I think the ghost actually responded back with “no comment” and the producers just edited it out.

Only a few of the girls and Nick play while the other sane girls watch from aside when the house lights shut off. I guess the only thing to do when all power goes out in a haunted house is to walk around in the dark. Did these girls sign a waiver before they went into this place or are they just having a YOLO moment?

Somehow Nick turns this into kind of a romantic setting, bringing the girls outside one by one to talk to them. Same conversation, different girl. Just as Raven is the front-runner of this competition, she tells Nick about the moment she knew she was in love with him. Smh. I don’t know if he was laughing because he felt the same or laughing because now he has to send her home. Way too early to drop that line.

Then the cheesiest moment of the night goes to when Nick grabs the date rose and it’s literally in a Beauty and the Beast glass vase looking thing. He gives the rose to Danielle M., while pretty much shocking the world. I didn’t think he was that into her anymore after their time talking to each other, but what do I know, I'm single. 

Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Taylor and Corinne’s two-on-one date heads out to what looks like the beginning of an episode of Duck Dynasty. They’re in the good ‘ol bayou.  

The beginning boat ride is filled with speed and gator spottings, followed by our destination to the middle of nowhere. I’ve got to hand it to the girls because there is no way I’d be messing around with ghosts and gators just for a husband.

After getting off the boat, they come upon some Betty White voodoo looking ritual from The Proposal happening in the woods. The lady explains that voodoo isn’t just for bad purposes, but more for healing purposes. Nick sighs a breath of relief.

The trio continues walking into the woods where they run into a lady sitting a table reading tarot cards. She picks up on a lot of tension and therefor can only read one person at a time. Corinne and Nick set off for their time alone literally 10 feet away from the card table.

Taylor’s card reading says there is someone around her with a lot of toxic energy. Corinne’s card basically tells her she is the toxic energy.  

LEAVE THEM BOTH IN THE BAYOU, NICK! WE DON’T LIKE THEM.

Nick returns back to Corinne and Taylor from an unsure location since they’re literally in the middle of nowhere and pulls out the rose that only one of the girls will get. The rose goes to…Corinne.

Taylor leaves but literally has nowhere to go, so she comes back to the table and watches Nick and Corinne ride off on her only way out of the bayou, the little john-boat. The sun has set, Nick and Corinne are on their dinner portion of the date while Taylor is still out on the bayou taking part in the Betty White voodoo ritual.

Although Nick chose Corinne, the only topic they seem to have at dinner is how much Taylor bullied her. Corinne still can’t let this topic go, regardless of what the producers are telling her say. #ANNOYING. At least this drama is over, or is it? In walks Taylor from the shadows of the bayou. She literally just walked into their date, after being sent home, just so she could steal him for a sec to speak her peace. Corinne is not pleased and naturally we’re left with a cliffhanger of what’s going to happen next.

This is what reality dating is all about, folks! See ya next week when maybe Taylor and Corinne both go home? We’ll see.