So last Monday I decided to take a break from blogging about our favorite cheddar log, Ben Flajnik, not thinking it would matter because it was the stupid “Women Tell All If By All You Mean Nothing But We Gyp You Out Of Two Hours” episode of “The Bachelor,” but apparently that didn’t sit well with you, oh powerful reader.
ReaderSSSUH. Because, um, it would be sad if I was just sitting here writing to my mom. (Just kidding Mom, I’m glad you said something.) Anyway, I heard you loud and clear and so I’m back with Zima wine cooler chardonnay Colt 45 in hand, loyal wife at my side, to bring you my idiotic comments from the season finale of “The Bachelor: Ben Flajnik Picks The Lady He Wants To Drag Through The Tabloid Mud With Him.” So let’s get our party hats on and root hard for LindZZZZZeee, mainly because we all know he’s gonna listen to Lil’ Ben and pick Courtney, who, I don’t know if you knew, is a model.
(NOTE: In honor of LindZZZZeee, I’ve decided to replace all S’s from here on out with Z’s. Whoopz. I mean Z’z.)
7:57 p.m. Firzt dilemma of the evening: I can’t decide whether to clip my toenailz or watch the firzt 5 minutez of tonight’z epizode.
8:00 p.m. Zeeing that “Lorax” commercial remindz me that I am 100 percent certain Danny Devito would have made a better Bachelor than Ben.
8:03 p.m. I feel like there was a zolid joke there with Courtney petting that cat but I’m too drunk to find it. Damn you Zima Colt 45! Aaaaaaand, cue David Effing Gray.
8:07 p.m. Ben’z Zizter just laughed when Ben zaid, “Zhe’z the one who rode up on a horze.” A bad zign if you azked me. (Note: I’m zwitching back to uzing S’z not becauze I don’t like the Z’z but becauze my ztupid autocorrect keepz changing all of them and I don’t have the patience to keep overruling it.)
8:13 p.m. LINDZZEEEE: “It’s a huge deal to look somebody you just met in the eye and tell them you’re in love with their son.” So true, girl. Especially if it’s their sister. (Drops fork. Walks off stage.)
8:20 p.m. I’m really regretting not choosing to clip my toenails.
8:24 p.m. Lucky for Courtney, Ben’s jacket is going to distract from her being a bitch.
8:26 p.m. Kudos to Ben’s sister for doing her best to make this episode not suck. As much.
8:29 p.m. Right now, in the direct sunlight, I’m pretty sure Ben’s sister is thinking, “What kind of model is she?”
8:32 p.m. “Way to go Ben’s Sweater! You did it! Ben’s mom and sister didn’t even recognize that Courtney was a manipulative beyotch! A-plus! Now, hop in the car and let’s go to dinner. I got us reservations at this great little Italian place called The Salvation Army.”
8:39 p.m. #WWBDD? (Ben’s Dad, not Bryce Donovan.)
8:41 p.m. I like to imagine all the times the family is parting ways and one of them says, “OK, love you too. See you in a minute” and the director gets pissed and yells “CUT!” because they need to reshoot the “reality TV” scene.
8:47 p.m. BEN: “I was thinking we could go skiing.”
BEN: “Yeah. You can do it in North Carolina and I’ll do it here.”
LINDZEEEE: “Wait. What?”
BEN: (coughs) “I’m banging Courtney.”
8:56 p.m. MY WIFE: “Seriously? That was her dress from two episodes ago. Wait, are you typing that? Don’t say I said that. (Pause.) It might have been three weeks ago.”
9:03 p.m. During commercials my wife keeps playing this Russian Roulette game where she rewinds to see the parts she missed while I’m sitting there silently thinking, “Shit. Please hurry up and fast forward back to live so I can have some material to write about and don’t have to buy time by explaining to everybody how you are a blow up doll and that I actually sat on the stupid remote control.”
9:07 p.m. NO SHIT! A helicopter! They are pulling out all the stops for this episode!
9:08 p.m. I’m calling bullshit. I would argue that’s not even in your top 10 helicopter rides, Ben.
9:18 p.m. After Courtney just said, “I have a history of just giving and giving and guys just always took from me,” I’m 100 percent positive there are at least six guys sitting and home screaming “BULLSHIT!” at their TVs.
9:27 p.m. I still can’t wait for my favorite part of the finale: When the bachelor meets with the swarthy ring guy and he subtly says things like, “Ooooooorrrr, you could go with the Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring NLBDR Model Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring ring that is also available on Neil Lane Diamond Ring.com.”
9:29 p.m. My buddy Reid just asked, “Why did Courtney’s snow angel make an imprint of the devil?” EXcellent question.
9:31 p.m. Ah, the 8-minute montage of shit we’ve already seen 15 times so that they can sell six more ads at $50k a piece. Well played, ABC.
9:34 p.m. Oh. My. God. We have to wait 25 more minutes to see LindZZZeee cry? This is painful.
9:42 p.m. Well hello, Gandolph.
9:45 p.m. Even though I knew this was going to happen, it’s still painful to watch. Consider yourself lucky, LindZZZZeee.
9:47 p.m. Props to LindZZZZeee for calling sloppy seconds.
9:55 p.m. Here comes OJ for the proposal.
9:59 p.m. Right now Courtney is thinking, “Oh. My. God … I’m WINNING!!”
10:01 p.m. Crap. I’ve got to do 60 more minutes of this?
10:03 p.m. Oh, yeah. That’s right. I am my own boss. I’M OUT BITCHES!!!! Enjoy the inevitable breakup that actually happened faster than I thought. And Ben, remember LindZZZZeee is waiting for your call.