Baby Drama and Grown Men's Mamas - Southern Charm 3, Episode 3 Recap

Baby Drama and Grown Men's Mamas - Southern Charm 3, Episode 3 Recap

Smiling Faces, Beautiful Places, Knives for Stabbing all over the Places

Hey y'all, welcome back to our Grit-acular recaps of the only show you need to watch to understand why Conde Nest loves Charleston way too much: Southern Charm. We got some fun stuff to analyze here so let’s not hold our horses.

Because BravoTV loves us we start once more with everyone’s morning wake up calls. Best In Show goes to Craig, for not only providing a crotch zip shot for ladies to admire, but for also single-handedly killing the planet via hairspray. At least we know his hair and mojo are stiff enough to last the day. Anyone else love how he and Naomie are so settled into a routine? He’s a lovable chap supporting his honey and she’s happy to turn down his collar and help him ensure his candy-land themed-sock self is ready to prove to JD he’s all grown up now. Aww so cute.

I felt this episode would be great, and you know what, I was right. Y'all, my prayers were answered: Shep’s mom is back!! I love her; why can’t she and Patricia have a spin-off? Please Jesus, hear my prayers.

Shep calls mama to check in, and she knows her son’s shenanigans mean he likely doesn’t clean behind his ears or his house. In his lovable way, Shep ensures mom that he does do manual labor when it comes to the home he is proud of, since it can ease women into thinking he’s got stuff happening in his life. But not to worry ladies, he’s still a bachelor with a kid's heart, and soon his dream of a bar-pool house will be complete. Just you wait mama!

We then see Craig being all mature, moving into his office and marveling at how well his name looks when it’s written on an office wall and not a noise violation. JD comes in and informs Craig his job with JD may be hands on manual labor at times. Craig, although he is a new man, had still held on to his old Craig/Shep self and thought he would just do logistics, i.e. modeling. We know you wanna be the male Cindy Crawford Craig. It’s ok. JD and Craig both interview saying they hope new Craig will work out. Namaste, guys, let’s see how this goes.

Cameran comes to Shep’s house and marvels at his furniture, which was picked out by her. She’s not believing that Shep got up at the early time of 10:30 a.m., as he stated, which the cameras graciously prove wrong. Cheeky monkey!

Turns out though that Shep does get up when need be: only for hunting, skiing, and sex. But don’t worry y'all, sex results in more sleep. This man’s a modern Rip van Winkle! Then comes the “secret” shown in the preview: Shep and Cameran are together!!! Well, professionally at least. Cameran is a genius: why not, Cameran thinks, use Shep’s masterful pimp skills to get women to buy homes? Shep will reactivate his license so he can have Cameran make him more rich.

I loved Shep’s face when Cameran mentions showing houses in the morning. It’s the same look of sorrow I have when family dies. But he’s happy to show you a home at night. Perhaps it goes well with a little dinner, boxed wine, and Netflix and Chill. 

Thomas is at his house, and Kathryn calls. She’s so smart: she is close to his home, and wants to come show him the house she likes. Thomas is suave, so suave—he knows Kathryn can’t resist his two puny candles. But Kathryn’s like whatever bitch I ain’t falling for this, and proceeds to put up with Thomas’ claim that her new place is better than his. Like his Ravenel name doesn’t afford him less than billion-dollar properties.

Then the kicker comes, and Kathryn plays it so coy—she needs a cosigner, and doesn’t her daddy baby daddy Thomas mind doing it? After all, when they both were in the torture that was their relationship, Thomas was buying homes and paying for them, so this is natural right? Thomas seems to turn into her real daddy here, and mentions she should have established her credit before now to get it sans cosigner. We get to the lesson we learn from this episode: when men reject you, act like a little girl and cry! You see Kathryn only wants a home that is exactly like Thomas’ so you know the kids won’t find out they’re half breeds class-wise. Thomas shockingly utters the most profound statement this episode: "it’s about love not house," and Kathryn’s like damn he got me there. So then we have breakdown royale, and Thomas gives in to being her cosigner. The only caveat: Kathryn has to bring Kensie to his polo match for “family time.”      

Girl, you got no choice if you want that high-class life.

Now we go to the queen, Patricia! She was sunbathing, and saw a pink flamingo float, and is now planning a whole fantastic flamingo-themed party. Only the Queen Bee can make a tacky plastic Dollar Tree float an awesome art form. 

Shep, Cameran, and Danni go to Martha Lou’s Kitchen, AKA Heaven on Earth. Why does Cameran keep honing in on Shep’s dating style? If women want a one night stand, so what, this is America dammit! After three seasons they know the jig is up. 

Oh look, Landon’s still on the show. Damn, I forget she exists this season; makes me think the finale is all her. She’s with her daddy—and we learn that like all daddy’s girls, Landon’s dad supports her and loves her unconditionally. After sucking at golf, they sit down to bloody marys and chit-chat. Landon tells her dad that she wants to do a bar AND a magazine; a modern rembrandt!!! Daddy is NOT impressed. Daddy is like you need to focus.

Landon clearly is depressed; if a girl can’t get out of bed then get her help Bravo! Then the kicker: like Kathryn, Landon begs for money. But Landon is not a good manipulator like Kathryn; her dad says no. Poor Landon; marry her Shep!

Now that they’re talking and not bitching, Kathryn calls Thomas to get an invite to Patricia’s sexy flamingo party. She doesn’t get why Patricia won’t let her go, and Thomas is all like shit, I don’t wanna deal with this. Being the political mastermind he is, he knows it’s international but to keep peace and see his kid he will ass kiss to Patricia for an invite.

Craig and Cameran go ring shopping for Naomie. But don’t get sad ladies, it’s a PROMISE ring. As in, I promise to be all I can be since you’re the best and most wealthy I will ever get ring.

Cameran is shocked she’s a part of this; I think she misses old Craig and the ability to insult him. I, like Craig, dig Naomie. She’s worldly, classy, and obviously made for TV. The ring is gorgeous; I want it when Naomie’s done with it. Cameran is pissed. She hates it when Shep’s pimping, but hates it more apparently when Craig is put together. Girl you're friends with them all, be positive!

One things certain: Thomas loves Kensie. Why else would he taunt Patricia over Kathryn? We find out as Thomas takes his broke-gift bag self to her home for a meeting. What the hell is with Michael’s “haven't seen you in a hen’s age?” I thought the guy was from New York. Thomas believes that Kathryn has no etiquette or class despite an impressive lineage, but seriously did this matter when you two had sex? I don’t think so! He brings Patricia the biggest damn candle on earth and compliments her money and status, so Patricia knows he wants something and quickly hurries him up. Thomas throws Kathryn under the bus and says look, "you know she needs Jesus, but she is like SO upset she can’t go to your party."

Patricia is like "WTF? We’re not BFF's, I have people coming, and no way is that biatch ruining it."

Thomas keeps plugging her, but Le Answer is no. Oh well, can’t go to every ball Cinderella. But man, when Thomas starts talking about Pat’s brown eyes, I can’t help but think he is aiming for a Mrs. Robinson moment. Ew, Patricia, just say no.

Polo day cometh, and JD/Elizabeth are there. I don’t know, they’re great people but JD rubs me the wrong way sometimes. Maybe I unintentionally transfer Thomas’ sleaziness to him since they’re friends. Man how hard is it to put a baby in a Maserati?! Damn, no kids for me. Both parties are using Kensie time to get what they want. Feel the love yal! Kathryn’s like "I'm not sharing a bed with Thomas during our vacation, I don’t know who’s been in there." Um look at your stomach I think it was you. Twice. Stork ain’t real girl!

Finally we get some clarification on the JD/Elizabeth drama: since they friended Kathryin when she was with Thomas, Kathryn believes they don’t like her solo. She can’t be friends with them because they’re Thomas spies. So she’s ignoring them, which makes so much sense. I feel bad for her. Elizabeth claims she’s tried reaching Kathryn. She has breakdown royale in the car, with Jennifer trying to calm the raging storm.

Kensie’s so cute, and probably more cordial than her mom. Kathryn goes to potty to get away from the ensuing shit rising in her mind. In the interim Kensie loses her shoe, and Elizabeth goes to put it on. Apparently Elizabeth should stay AWAY from the kid, even if that means letting the kid go around barefoot. So Kathryn turns into Hurricane Kathryn, who stops the show. Kensie and her leave PRONTO, and Elizabeth tries to keep them for Thomas’ sake. I don’t think you should have to ask to remove alcohol Elizabeth; that should be obvious. Kathryn is like screw you guys, Im going home

Did I mention Thomas was playing polo the whole time? He finally sits down, and is like where is my damn kid?! When he knows what’s happening he’s like I aint doin’ this no mo'!  Now I am taking away the chance for our kids to not live in grandma’s basement anymore!

Babies shouldnt be having babies yall.

Come back next week for more backstabbing and Southern kindness!!