And Then There Were Three(somes)

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(NOTE: This is No. 10 in a recurring series of of what will eventually be 11 live blog posts about "The Bachelor.")
 
So we’re down to what “Bachelor” insiders (*giggle*) like to refer to as “The Skank 3.” What does that mean? Well, it means there’s a 1 in 1 chance that all of the ladies will fein surprise and go, “Oh, there’s a fantasy suite? Well … I guess I could stay for a little bit. (Pause.) Or maybe it’s a HUGE bit?” (Then they elbow Ben.)
 
So buckle up your monobrows and get ready for some serious dung throwing as the remaining three “ladies” vie for the crown of Mrs. 20th of 22nd Marriage to Fail. As always, the catfight begins at 8:00 p.m. EST sharp. See you then …
 
8:01 p.m. Early call: LindZZZZZeee is going home. To look for the s missing from her name.
 
8:02 p.m. Am I the only one who thinks the only thing more boring that Ben as the Bachelor is Emily as the Bachelorette? ABC could print fucking money if they put Courtney and Bentley on the next one. (I am making the logical assumption that Courtney will get picked and then break up with Ben 18 minutes after the cameras stop rolling.)
 
8:06 p.m. Oh cool. Another flashback.
 
8:08 p.m. Best Bachelor montage ever: Courtney’s A Bitch Compilation, No. 14.
 
8:19 p.m. Not to gun you down, Nicki, but I could think of about 100 places that would be better to be in love than Switzerland. Just off the top of my head …
Albania
Algeria
American Samoa
Andorra
Angola
Anguilla
Antigua and Barbuda
Argentina
Aruba
Ashmore and Cartier Islands
Australia
Austria
The Bahamas
Barbados
Belgium
Belize
Bermuda
Bolivia
Bouvet Island
Brazil
British Virgin Islands
Canada
Cape Verde
Cayman Islands
Chile
Cook Islands
Coral Sea Islands
Costa Rica
Cote d’Ivoire
Cuba
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Denmark
Dominica
Dominican Republic
Ecuador
Fiji
Finland
French Guiana
French Polynesia
Greece
Grenada
Guam
Hong Kong
Italy
Jamaica
Japan
Malta
Martinique
Mexico
Monaco
Morocco
Navassa Island
New Zealand
Nicaragua
Norfolk Island
Norway
Panama
Papua New Guinea
Peru
Philippines
Puerto Rico
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Samoa
Seychelles
Solomon Islands
Spain
Sweden
Thailand
Trinidad and Tobago
Turks and Caicos Islands
Dollywood
 
8:26 p.m. Whoa. Nicki accepted the In Tha Butt Suite invitation? I did NOT see that coming!
 
8:28 p.m. Nicki: “I don’t want him to have anything unanswered.” Translation: “No orifice is off limits tonight.”
 
8:32 p.m. A helicopter? A girl accepting the invitation to the Fantasy Suite? A date involving a girl who’s afraid of heights? This episode has EVERYTHING!*
 
*previous episodes had along with no discernible new ideas or concepts.
 
8:35 p.m. So do you think the producers just give Ben a couple of 32 oz. Gatorades and are like, “OK, now here’s LindZZZeee!”?
 
8:38 p.m. Could these two jokers have worn more ill-suitable footwear? Speaking of which, I can’t tell which is thicker: the leather on LindZZZeee’s boots or her makeup.
 
8:43 p.m. I wish the Fantasy Suite card said, “Interested in sloppy seconds?”
 
8:46 p.m. Is Ben going on CNN after dinner? #nicefuckingbowtie
 
8:48 p.m. I’ve decided that they should have Fantasy Suites starting Day One. UPSIDE: We’d be able to identify the how earlier. DOWNSIDE: Ha! Good one. There is no downside. UPSIDE NO. 2: Ben wouldn’t be able to walk for the entire second episode.
 
8:50 p.m. Ha! Awesome. LindZZZeee is the first this season to bust out the, “I’m not normally a skank who sleeps with a guy I’ve only been on five completely unrealistic dates with but this time is different because you’re only banging two other women that I know of.”
 
8:51 p.m. And that would be the voice of the baton twirler.
 
8:56 p.m. The only thing better than a mobile device that is in between the size of a phone and a tablet (Samsung Galaxy Note) is a regular-sized phone or tablet. Or a desktop computer. Or a Magic 8 Ball.
 
8:58 p.m. COURTNEY: “It’s one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been.” Better than Orlando or any of the other exotic places you’ve visited in your “modeling” career?
 
9:00 p.m. Why do girls continue to think the Bachelor has jack to do with anything that happens on any of the dates? Seriously, I’m betting this is how the pre-production meeting for this episode went:
 
PRODUCER: “OK, Ben, we’re going to take you and the ladies to Switzerland this week.”
 
BEN: “Cool, I love Ikea!”
 
9:14 p.m. This might be the first time in Bachelor history where the girl is like, “Why don’t you camera guys stick around?”
 
9:18 p.m. COURTNEY: “It doesn’t get much more romantic than this.” Oh how right you are, Courtney. I see lots of Netflix nights over skunked wine that couldn’t be sold to a restaurant in your future once the show is over. Wait. Who am I kidding. I see “Bachelor Pad” in your future. And I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
 
9:20 p.m. How many takes do you think it took them to get that exiting the theater shot without somebody’s cooch showing? Too far? Not far enough? I’m just going to assume you voted for No. 2.
 
9:27 p.m. Good thinking Kacie. These things always turn out well.
 
9:34 p.m. Ah the irony. How many people do you think have had sex on that hotel hallway floor Kacie is lying on?
 
9:49 p.m. OK Ben, let’s close this lame episode with a strong finish. See if all three ladies will go to the Fantasy Suite before you make your final decision. Or, at the very least, invite Chris Harrison up there with you.
 
9:51 p.m. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let Chris Harrison come back out after he gives out the first rose and go, “Ladies. Ben. This is the final rose of the night.”
 
9:56 p.m. Tonight’s two losers.

It appears LindZZZeeee is looking painfully at Nicki while Courtney is thinking, “Wait. Did I remember to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer?”
 
10:00 p.m. OK gang, we’ll do it again next week when one of these women makes the biggest mistake of their lives.